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Guest Post: by Big Daddy Cain

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Well, friends it's that time where you all get to meet the man behind the curtains.  Not, the Wizard.  The man behind the madness that is me.  I would only be half a person without him.  He is the butt to my cheese.  He is the cream to my coffee.  He is the love of my life.  I do believe that there is ONE true soul mate out there for everyone, and he is mine.  He makes me laugh, we cry together.  We love with PASSION, and we laugh with our whole hearts.  He is the glue that holds this house of cards together.

I present:  The Hubs (WARNING:  This is totally unedited.  DIRECTORS CUT.  PLEASE STOP reading if you are easily offended!  REALLY-just stop.  NOW!)

Me:  So, Big Daddy Cain, why did you marry Think Tank Momma?
BDC:  Because you have big boobies, you cook real good, and you put your mouth on my weiner.

Me:  You are a crude bastard.
BDC:  I have parents. Laughs hysterically.

Commentary by BDC:  You should put down this is not a guest post, but a guest interview blog.  Mother Fuckas.

Me:  You amuse yourself on a regular basis by making fun of me and the children.  Would you care to speak to that?
BDC:  It's just too easy.  You all set yourselves up on a regular basis, and I just knock you down.  Like the time you ripped the toilet seat off when you were drunk.  I haven't figured that one out yet.  I apologize for my rude behavior, and I love you.  *takes another sip of 151 and coke*

Me:  (after texting with my buddy Travis of I like to Fish)  What is your favorite breakfast cereal and why?
BDC:  I don't eat cereal for breakfast.  But as a late night snack, I enjoy.  Well, I am torn between two lovers.  Lucky Charms are nice, because they got the little marshmallows.  BUT, Honey Nut Cheerios *giggles* has a reference to masculinity in the title so they win my heart.  Kinda like the phallic symbol that was on t.v. earlier tonight. (makes reference to the Washington Monument on Bones, go figure.)

Me:  Again, a question from Travis.  What are/were you favorite brand of condoms?
BDC:   Well, I can count the number of condoms I have used on two hands.  Trojan, spermicidal lubricated would be the only kind I've used.  And, I hate them, so I guess they wouldn't be my favorite.  I hate the way they are made for a man who is apparently 14" long which I am not.  And they taste like shit anyways. 
(Sidenote:  I asked you know how they taste why?  Response:  I think I licked my finger after putting one on.)  OMG!

Me:  Travis would like to know are you a stand and wad or sit and fold?
BDC:  Stand and wad?  What the fuck is that?  You sit and fold GodDamnit!  I was just thinking I have asked that question myself.  We took a survey at Trinity(where he used to work) on how many sheets of toilet paper, and whether or not you wipe and drop, or wipe and look to make sure you are clean.  I wipe and look.  I am not into the wipers and droppers, I think they are gross.  BTW- If you stand and wad, don't you look like the hunchback of Notre Dame? (I got both pronunciations of Notre Dame from hubs)  If you are used to hunching over, you may not be anyone I want to hang out with.  Not that I have anything against gays.  I think they are cool.  But I am not hunching over for anyone.  (Dawn, I am sorry for this.)

Me:  Travis is apparently obsessed with your cleanliness, cause the next question is What do you wash first in the shower, and why?
BDC:  I wash my feet first. And work my way to the top.  Excluding the bung hole, which I save for THE very last.  Which allows me to know, that the next person that grabs the soap, just touched my bung hole.  (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY. )

Me:  For EVERYONE's INFORMATION, I take baths in the other bathroom.  I feel sorry for my children and I will no longer allow them to use Daddy's soap.

BDC:  P.S.  Just in case no one else has used the soap, I scrub the soap thoroughly with one of the kids' loofa sponges before I use it again. (Still laughing so hard he can barely speak.)

Me:  Last question from Travis.  What is your favorite television program, and why?
BDC:  That's a hard question. *sigh* I watch a lot of t.v. shows.  I think this last season of Rescue Me is my favorite.  Not because of the sex or anything like that.  But just the constant banter between the boys in the firehouse.  Especially the episode with the Jergen's tanning lotion.  I laughed so hard at that one I actually peed myself a little bit.  Not to worry though I had on my plastic training pants.
Me:  Cheese Doodle that was freakin' funny.  But, I might not ever eat them again.  Ever.

Me:  What about now, what's your favorite on this season?  DexterCastle?  Hmm....?

BDC:  I'd have to say Castle.  Not only is Beckett, or whatever her name is really hot, there also happens to be a redhead on the show.  I know she is too young, but she looks pretty good.  I am kinda partial to redheads.  But I love the humor on the show.  And I hope that Castle gets a piece of what's her name soon.  Oh yeah, I love the competition between the detectives in the office.  I loved the episode with the betting.  Member that?  Homegrown chicken?

BDC:  You're not writing that are you?
ME:  Oh Fuck Yeah!  I got skillz bitch, I used to do transcription for a livin'.

Me:  Well, Big Daddy that was quite a coming out party.  Anything else you want to say?
BDC:  There's plenty more where that came from, just ask the right questions, and I will give you the answers.
Maybe your friends would like to have some more answers.  Have them ask questions and we can do this again sometime.

Well, there you have it folks.  Q&A with The Hubs.  Aren't you just clamoring for more?  If you are leave your questions in the comments, or email Think Tank Momma:  adrienzgirl @ gmail (dot) com.

As always, I leave you with LOVE!  and perhaps an apology for crude and lewd and lascivious posting.

Special thanks for impromptu questions to Travis!  Love you buddy!  Mwah!


Meeko Fabulous said...

That was freakin' awesome! I giggled my freakin' way through that entire interview! I had to stop and rewind Grey's Anatomy a couple of times. Then I decided to pause the damn show all together! LOL! :)

Jessica said...

That was great! LMAO, sounds like my house!

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I am cracking up about the loofah!! He is a riot. My husband hocks a lugey in the toilet every time before he pees...What does he think this is about??

Secret Agent K said...

LMAO @ Bunghole. Ahhh man that one is a keeper, seriously, he understands the hilarity of the word bung hole AND his favorite show is Rescue Me??? A+ interview =)

Moooooog35 said...

Rescue Me.

Awesome sauce.

This begs the debate: Who does he think is hotter...Sheila or Janet ( this last season, Colleen).

Enquiring minds want to know. Actually, probably just me.

Travis said...

I ask too many questions...

I am also a wipe and look. I didn't know that a lot of people are until just here recently. This makes me feel so much better.

Yeah, you're lookin at shit, and sometimes you might have to look real close. Sometimes even bring it right up to your eyes and look real hard, then maybe sometimes you just wanna lick it a little bit... Just for the experience...


Yeah, Lucky Charms are the sh...ah...bomb!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Apparently, I need to watch me some Castle. Whatever the hell that is.

Ed Adams said...

Fruity Pebbles, BITCHES!

Lucky Charms are supposed to be number 4 on the list.

Other than that, Hubs sounds like a dude I'd like to have a beer with.

Not a gay beer though.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

ONce I got a college degree I took it as a decree that I no longer need to put my mouth on any weiners. Hooray!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Obviously, I fold and wipe, look, fold, wipe...Tedious process but always clean! And never cloggy.

Hilarious btw. Loved the interview!

Lily said...

I haven't even read the blog yet, but I just want to say that "Big Daddy Cain" is an AWESOME pimp name.

Like, fucking spectacular.

adrienzgirl said...

@meeko - I am glad you enjoyed. Hubs had a good time, says he will do it again soon.

@jessica - I thought I was the only one who lived at the zoo! :P

@Lee - Hubs says he doesn't do the lugey thing unless absolutely necessary. Says it's gross. I guess a man's got to have his own limits right?

@Secret K - From now on I am calling you Special K cause I think of that everytime I read your name.

@Trav - Hubs said he loved answering you questions, yet he thinks you crossed a line with the poop licking comment. IDK, I am just the messenger.

@mjenks - Castle, ABC, Monday 10PM Eastern time. Awesome!

@ed - Fruity Pebbles is #3 on list according to BDC. Also, you are a homophobe, that's from me. He said you two can have a brewskie anytime.

@Martini/Diaper Genie - Even if Think Tank Momma was followed by PhD, I would still be a dirty girl.

@Hillbilly - I guess Travis was inspired by your musings yesterday. I never have the cloggy problem either.

@Lily - Oh, look...I found the comment you lost. So, I thought he came up with this name too, but really there is a rapper out there already donning it proudly. I really thought it was in reference to his schlong. That is usually where he comes up with everything.

Daffy said...

Beautiful! Simply Beautiful!

kys said...

I'm guessing that there aren't many dull moments at your house. Loved it!

Conquer The Monkey said...

HI stinkin LARIOUS.

you two are perfect together in your crazy way!


adrienzgirl said...

@moog - I didn't mean to overlook you. Hubs says for sure Janet. Sheila is a CRAZY bitch!

@Duckalicious - He's a keeper for real!

@kys - Um...with a house littered with ADHD children/Mom, 4 Chihuahuas and BDC...NO. NEVER a DULL moment.

@Cameron - We are definitely two halves of a whole! :)

dana said...

About six months ago(when Joe and I were still in Indiana) we did an online video, discussing the attributes of a newly purchased vibrator. He was a sport! And maybe that's why we're now living in Florida.

Alicia said...

BWAAHHAHAA!!! my husband married me for the SAME reasons!! lol....this was the best interview ever! for the record....i look and wipe. i have to. its a sickness......

The Peach Tart said...

That was great. I can see why you love him.

Ryan Ashley Scott said...

Honesty! Such a rare trait anymore. The thing with the soap - that cracked me up. Poor kids. ;)

conquer The Monkey said...


ps: do want your party tips, email me!

Secretia said...

Hi, it's Secretia, heard about you from Cameron, at Conquer the Monkey. Congrats!

I am following you now.

Your Hubby is a good man, and he's honest talking about your sexiness, I respect that too!

See you later, Secretia

Tater Tot Mom said...

So funny!

That's exactly why my hubby and I have separate soaps!

Noelle said...

oh...lmao...soap...bunghole...holy shit...lmao...

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