I was getting ready for my day. I took a nice long bubble bath. I got out, went through my everyday
I step on the scale, and that's when the verbal abuse started to take place.
Me: Wiping my eyes in disbelief. (I am half blind without my glasses, and obviously I am taking those bitches off for weigh in. Duh!)
Bitch: Heh. Why are you squinting fatass, the numbers aren't gonna change?
Me: Huh? the fuck?
Bitch: Yeah, I am talking to you, the lard ass that hasn't ever met a cake she didn't like!
Me: Looking around in disbelief
Bitch: Down here whale!
Me: Looking down and puzzled.
Bitch: O.k., apparently you are a stoopid bitch in addition to being an obese food addict.
Me: Ah. The scale is talking shit. Is it really necessary to talk to me that way? I am getting on a program starting today.
Bitch: Sure you are. (sarcasm was so thick I saw numbers roll as she rolled her eyes at me.)
Me: No really. I gotta do something and I made all my blog buddies part of a contest so I couldn't just ignore it anymore. AND Dual Mom double dog dared me.
From the bedroom I hear "Pshhhhhaaaaaw!"
Me: the fuck?
Bitch: Hey fat bitch, you are breaking my back, mind stepping the fuck off? And just so you know, that is the gym in there calling your triple sized fat ass a LIAR. Do me a favor too, would ya? Don't you dare step on me again until you and the Gold's bitch in the other room become real close. Like you and that bitch better become one. You better visit her every fucking day, and I suggest you work with her for at least an hour a day. AND stay outta the fridge. You get all that? Do I need to write it down for you? SPELL IT OUT?
Me: Stepping off. Look, it really isn't necessary to be that rude. I am doing something about it.
Bitch: *LOUD SIGH OF RELIEF*
I didn't wait for more insults, I just turned and walked out of the bathroom. As soon as I pushed the door from the bathroom into my bedroom I hear giggles. I cut some cool eyes to the corner where the Bitch Gold's Gym sits.
Gold's Bitch: Oh. yeah. give me dirty looks. Like it's my fault that I have become a clothes rack.
Me: What?
GB: You used me for what two months? Now I just catch your clothes. It's embarrassing really.
Me: Well, excuse me. I will be cleaning you off straight away. We have business you and I.
GB: Yeah yeah....I heard the conversation you had with the scale. I will believe it when I see it. Look at you.
Me: What?
GB: Girl, have you looked at your fat ass in the mirror lately?
Me: Yeah, I do everyday. Brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on moisturizer....
GB: Not that mirror. Go look at the full length one in the closet. You know, the one I bet your whole ass doesn't even fit in anymore.
Me: RUDE!
GB: No, it's rude to step on the scale. It's rude to use a home gym as a clothes rack. It's rude to buy new clothes and then gain weight so they just collect dust in the closet. And don't even get me started about how rude you are to all those pretty red shoes. Let me clue you in on something fatass, flip flops, in the middle of winter, screams...FAT AND LAZY!
I walked out and slammed the door!
They might not take me seriously...but I know you all do!
Go follow us over at Lose It Bitches! There are a group of contributors including me and Dual Mom. There will be great content over there. Recipes, work out tips. ENCOURAGEMENT!
Starting photo. My camera isn't working. But this is recent and UN-FUCKING-FLATTERING. Me in all my gluttonous glory!
49 comments:
You know, I got into a verbal altercation with my scale today, too! Only I realized once I got off the scale and stepped back on it that I should have listened to it the first time, 'cause it magically cut seven pounds off of my actual weight. Can I call a do-over?
OMG, that is too funny!
I loved your post today, I think we've all heard those snide remarks from the items around the house that we should be using to keep tabs on our weight.
I just joined the Lose it Bitches blog and will be following along. I have our trip coming up Saturday and I've been watching myself and exercising now for almost two weeks. I'm hoping to continue making wise choices for the most part for the next three weeks while we are away.
I'm so happy to have blogging buddies to keep me on track and honest!
You go girl! Those inanimate objects of yours need to eat some serious crow!
My Giaim ball and yoga blocks are giggling right along with your scale and Gold's. Damn them all.
Glad to be a part of something that could only better us right?
Feisty
The beautious snow storm that we have had up here on the eastern part of NE has caused me to have a vacation from the things such as scales. Courage to you girl! With you on the bitches challenge. YOu go girl!
my cute, lacy thongs, (from back in the day when i was the hotness), laugh at me every time i open the dresser drawer.
stupid heifers.
Ok, I'm gonna have to jump in on this. Tomorrow is my kick-off day. Dear God, give me strength.
We can do this, right? Right?
Of course we can do this! I personally think that my gym is responsible for this cold I've got. I think it's the gym's way of telling me I'm not tough enough to go. The gym's right - I'm not going while I'm sick, but as soon as I'm not blowing snot every other second, I'm so there!
Bwah ha ha!! As someone who has regular conversations with inaimate objects ( I even name my kitchen appliances!), I say that scale has an ass-kickin coming!! You can do it!!
Get pissed and kick some ass woman! You can do this and I can't wait to check out your recipes.
Love you bunches!
June
I hope you have no plans to sit there and take that shiz... We're all supporting you!
Whatcha wanna bet you'll be rockin' those red high heels and some tiny jeans within 6 months? If anyone can....your stubborn @ss will! ;)
I hate my scale. It tells me my body fat. She's evil. So, I put it far far away in my daughter's closet, on the other end of the house from my bathroom. Out of sight....yah know.
Go for it, gorgeous!
Tell your scale to shut the hell up! You CAN do this!! It will be hard. It will suck ass sometimes. But you WILL do it!! Cause you ARE awesome!! Just stay focused, keep your eye on the prize, and all those other cliches!
Good luck, girl! Going to go check out your other blog!
Now you know why I weigh in at Weight Watchers. My scale looked at me, scoffed and then scurried for cover in a corner when I tried to stand on it. Then she said "come back in about 70 pounds you heffer". So I left and went to WW.
Which is also why I can't take pictures of my scales for this here shindig and will take pics of my weigh in book instead.
Le sigh.
Sounds like my head!!
Oh my god I'm crying from laughing so hard. And hey Zgirl, you call me a bitch? I've got nothin' on those scales of yours!!!!
Girl, if I can post my weight, so can you! :P
Your scale is TOO mean. Show it who's boss!
You are so brave to put your picture on the blog. I got on the scale today. I was as I suspected. Ugh.
I've made it through 7:00 pm without cheating. But the hardest time is between now and bedtime. Maybe I should go to bed now.
Hey, flipflops in winter? But don't you live in Florida? That's maybe not as lazy as it sounds....so there's hope!
That scale has got to go! Mean I say!
But I have a feeling that you are going to have the last sarcastic laugh.
Then that nasty box of springs must be destroyed!
Headphones work wonders
YOu are hilarious. I can't wait to follow your journey!
That is the best attitude you could have, get mad instead of sad. Mad works, but sad just hurts!
Secretia
Well, I know you are going to show "them" a thing or to...We are going to do this!!!!
Well shit...that exactly why I banished my eliptical trainer to the basement. I certainly can't hear the foul taunting from down there.
SIGH....since you got me in on the Lose It Bitches thing I am vowing to undig her as well as my Pilates videos...not sure what I'm going to do with that stuff when I find it. But the first step is finding it...
We. Can. Do. This. Girl, I guess I should post a picture of me, a recent picture. A friend of mine took one and it still takes my breath away. Chubby cheeks just are not flattering on someone older than 8 months old. What really galls me is the chubby arms. Yikes.
I have a Trixter exercise bike that sits here in all its yellow splendor taunting me. I may have to go find my crowbar and teach it some respect.
My kitchen appliances also talk shit. Not cool, inanimate objects. Not cool.
I feel ya girl. They are yelling at me too -- and NO freakin' joke that my Wii say "OOOH" extremely loud and rude when I step on. Ugh. But anyways... I am in this to win this!!! We can do it.
xoxo
Danielle
Heh heh, you're hilarious. Our scale is hidden under the bed with no batteries...so that biatch can't say anything.
BUT the hubs did get me a wii fit for Xmas and it has a scale built in. Cute pictures so you don't feel as bad for having a fat ass. I'm going to pop it in my post on Wednesday.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!
You so had me cracking up.
Go woman, go!! You can do it!
oh that damn scale. i'd like to huck it out the window, or better yet, bash it into a brick wall.
you are on your way. i need to get on it, too. ugh. UGH. it is not going to be easy, but the nice part will be looking and feeling better real fast. :) i'm trying, and i know you are too. :) we can do it.
sorry if this reads CHEESY. i am being sincere. :)
My scale is a whore! If I weigh myself naked in the bathroom I weigh more than I do when I weigh myself fully clothed in the hallway. WTH?
Kick ass on this journey! You can do it! You will do it!
OMG the shock when I got on my bastard scale today . . . WOW, I'm with you. 100 lbs for me to go starting today! Good luck.
Inanimate objects are so rude. For me it's usually technology.. printers.. photocopiers.. phones (yes, those are all examples of technology).. but the hurt is the same.
They think just because they don't have feelings it means the rest of us don't have feelings either.
This is why I don't own a scale. I can't have them using that kind of language around my kids.
Good luck with the diet & exercise stuff. I will be right behind you.
I really really thought this was going to be about sex toys.
Depressing.
Your scale is almost as mean to you as my pants are to me.
YOU CAN DO IT, GIRL!
Hey girlie! I know you are super duper busy and all.... But I have left you an award at my place!
You know what? My scale told me something similar (it doesn't cuss as much as yours does)... it did flip me off, sucker punch me to the stomach and rattle away snickering.
I'm not sure what it meant by that.
Heading over to join in to become a skinny bitch too! :)
You can do it! I'll abuse you worse than anyone if you don't. Ask Dual Mom I'm a hard ass bitch.
Following you now!
You can do it. We all can do it together.
Here is some power...POWER..did ya feel it...
We have grabbed your button (not bottom) and placed it on our site!
I had the same type of fight with my Wii fit! When you weigh in, and then it makes the little icon based on how fat you are. Stupid Wii fit! What the fuck does it know? Anyways, count me in.
42 Comments??? Good grief!
My blog wants to be like your blog!!!
I need some motivation to get my fluffy butt in gear. My scale would fly away Harry Potter Style and tell me to eat it's dust! Oh wait that might be me throwing it out the window. Oh crap we took the window out of the bathroom. My luck I'd throw it against the wall and it would come back at me. But no worry I have some extra padding to save me :) LOL
nice-wallpapers
ixcf e ) qd 21
We can do it!
PS I forgot to take a before picture. I'm probably too skinny (2 days later) for a pic taken today to count.
You can do it! you are such inspiration for others!!!
;-)
Well, they may be talkin' SMACK NOW but just wait... You'll totally kick their asses later!
In all seriousness... we are behind you 100%!
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