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I've been abused by inanimate objects!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

So I got in a fight.  It was a verbal one, not fist to cuffs or anything.  Let me tell you something, the bitches said some mean shit too!  They called me ugly things.  UGLY THINGS!

I was getting ready for my day.  I took a nice long bubble bath.  I got out, went through my everyday OCD normal routine.  Brushing hair, spraying stuff here and there, lathering lotions from head to toe in efforts to keep my vain self looking young because the air is so dry and Lord knows there are enough alligators in FL already.  I decide since I have yet to get dressed that I will "weigh in" since I gotta have a starting point for Lose It Bitches!

I step on the scale, and that's when the verbal abuse started to take place.

Me:  Wiping my eyes in disbelief.  (I am half blind without my glasses, and obviously I am taking those bitches off for weigh in.  Duh!)
Bitch:  Heh.  Why are you squinting fatass, the numbers aren't gonna change?
Me: Huh?  the fuck?
Bitch:  Yeah, I am talking to you, the lard ass that hasn't ever met a cake she didn't like!
Me: Looking around in disbelief
Bitch:  Down here whale!
Me:  Looking down and puzzled.
Bitch:  O.k., apparently you are a stoopid bitch in addition to being an obese food addict.
Me: Ah.  The scale is talking shit.  Is it really necessary to talk to me that way?  I am getting on a program starting today.
Bitch:  Sure you are. (sarcasm was so thick I saw numbers roll as she rolled her eyes at me.)
Me:  No really.  I gotta do something and I made all my blog buddies part of a contest so I couldn't just ignore it anymore.  AND Dual Mom double dog dared me.
From the bedroom I hear "Pshhhhhaaaaaw!"
Me: the fuck?
Bitch:  Hey fat bitch, you are breaking my back, mind stepping the fuck off?  And just so you know, that is the gym in there calling your triple sized fat ass a LIAR.  Do me a favor too, would ya?  Don't you dare step on me again until you and the Gold's bitch in the other room become real close.  Like you and that bitch better become one.  You better visit her every fucking day, and I suggest you work with her for at least an hour a day.  AND stay outta the fridge.  You get all that?  Do I need to write it down for you?  SPELL IT OUT?
Me:  Stepping off.  Look, it really isn't necessary to be that rude.  I am doing something about it.

I didn't wait for more insults, I just turned and walked out of the bathroom.  As soon as I pushed the door from the bathroom into my bedroom I hear giggles.  I cut some cool eyes to the corner where the Bitch Gold's Gym sits.

Gold's Bitch:  Oh. yeah. give me dirty looks.  Like it's my fault that I have become a clothes rack.
Me:  What?
GB:  You used me for what two months?  Now I just catch your clothes.  It's embarrassing really.
Me:  Well, excuse me.  I will be cleaning you off straight away.  We have business you and I.
GB:  Yeah yeah....I heard the conversation you had with the scale.  I will believe it when I see it.  Look at you.
Me:  What?
GB:  Girl, have you looked at your fat ass in the mirror lately?
Me:  Yeah, I do everyday.  Brush my teeth, brush my hair, put on moisturizer....
GB:  Not that mirror.  Go look at the full length one in the closet.  You know, the one I bet your whole ass doesn't even fit in anymore.
Me:  RUDE!
GB:  No, it's rude to step on the scale.  It's rude to use a home gym as a clothes rack.  It's rude to buy new clothes and then gain weight so they just collect dust in the closet.  And don't even get me started about how rude you are to all those pretty red shoes.  Let me clue you in on something fatass, flip flops, in the middle of winter, screams...FAT AND LAZY!

I walked out and slammed the door!

They might not take me seriously...but I know you all do!

Go follow us over at Lose It Bitches!  There are a group of contributors including me and Dual Mom.  There will be great content over there.  Recipes, work out tips.  ENCOURAGEMENT!

Starting photo.  My camera isn't working.  But this is recent and UN-FUCKING-FLATTERING.  Me in all my gluttonous glory!


GunDiva said...

You know, I got into a verbal altercation with my scale today, too! Only I realized once I got off the scale and stepped back on it that I should have listened to it the first time, 'cause it magically cut seven pounds off of my actual weight. Can I call a do-over?

Mass Hole Mommy said...

OMG, that is too funny!

Menopausal New Mom said...

I loved your post today, I think we've all heard those snide remarks from the items around the house that we should be using to keep tabs on our weight.

I just joined the Lose it Bitches blog and will be following along. I have our trip coming up Saturday and I've been watching myself and exercising now for almost two weeks. I'm hoping to continue making wise choices for the most part for the next three weeks while we are away.

I'm so happy to have blogging buddies to keep me on track and honest!

You go girl! Those inanimate objects of yours need to eat some serious crow!

Queen of Feisty said...

My Giaim ball and yoga blocks are giggling right along with your scale and Gold's. Damn them all.

Glad to be a part of something that could only better us right?


Mae Rae said...

The beautious snow storm that we have had up here on the eastern part of NE has caused me to have a vacation from the things such as scales. Courage to you girl! With you on the bitches challenge. YOu go girl!

Anonymous said...

my cute, lacy thongs, (from back in the day when i was the hotness), laugh at me every time i open the dresser drawer.

stupid heifers.

blueviolet said...

Ok, I'm gonna have to jump in on this. Tomorrow is my kick-off day. Dear God, give me strength.

We can do this, right? Right?

GunDiva said...

Of course we can do this! I personally think that my gym is responsible for this cold I've got. I think it's the gym's way of telling me I'm not tough enough to go. The gym's right - I'm not going while I'm sick, but as soon as I'm not blowing snot every other second, I'm so there!

Quixotic said...

Bwah ha ha!! As someone who has regular conversations with inaimate objects ( I even name my kitchen appliances!), I say that scale has an ass-kickin coming!! You can do it!!

Carol said...

Get pissed and kick some ass woman! You can do this and I can't wait to check out your recipes.

Love you bunches!

That One Mom said...

I hope you have no plans to sit there and take that shiz... We're all supporting you!

Hissyfits & Halos said...

Whatcha wanna bet you'll be rockin' those red high heels and some tiny jeans within 6 months? If anyone can....your stubborn @ss will! ;)
I hate my scale. It tells me my body fat. She's evil. So, I put it far far away in my daughter's closet, on the other end of the house from my bathroom. Out of sight....yah know.

Go for it, gorgeous!

Anonymous said...

Tell your scale to shut the hell up! You CAN do this!! It will be hard. It will suck ass sometimes. But you WILL do it!! Cause you ARE awesome!! Just stay focused, keep your eye on the prize, and all those other cliches!

Shell said...

Good luck, girl! Going to go check out your other blog!

Mad Woman said...

Now you know why I weigh in at Weight Watchers. My scale looked at me, scoffed and then scurried for cover in a corner when I tried to stand on it. Then she said "come back in about 70 pounds you heffer". So I left and went to WW.

Which is also why I can't take pictures of my scales for this here shindig and will take pics of my weigh in book instead.

Le sigh.

NYCGAL said...

Sounds like my head!!

Dual Mom said...

Oh my god I'm crying from laughing so hard. And hey Zgirl, you call me a bitch? I've got nothin' on those scales of yours!!!!

Anonymous said...

Girl, if I can post my weight, so can you! :P

Your scale is TOO mean. Show it who's boss!

Corrie Howe said...

You are so brave to put your picture on the blog. I got on the scale today. I was as I suspected. Ugh.

I've made it through 7:00 pm without cheating. But the hardest time is between now and bedtime. Maybe I should go to bed now.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Hey, flipflops in winter? But don't you live in Florida? That's maybe not as lazy as it there's hope!

Mrsblogalot said...

That scale has got to go! Mean I say!
But I have a feeling that you are going to have the last sarcastic laugh.

Then that nasty box of springs must be destroyed!

Headphones work wonders

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

YOu are hilarious. I can't wait to follow your journey!

Anonymous said...

That is the best attitude you could have, get mad instead of sad. Mad works, but sad just hurts!


gayle said...

Well, I know you are going to show "them" a thing or to...We are going to do this!!!!

Daffy said...

Well shit...that exactly why I banished my eliptical trainer to the basement. I certainly can't hear the foul taunting from down there.

SIGH....since you got me in on the Lose It Bitches thing I am vowing to undig her as well as my Pilates videos...not sure what I'm going to do with that stuff when I find it. But the first step is finding it...

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

We. Can. Do. This. Girl, I guess I should post a picture of me, a recent picture. A friend of mine took one and it still takes my breath away. Chubby cheeks just are not flattering on someone older than 8 months old. What really galls me is the chubby arms. Yikes.

I have a Trixter exercise bike that sits here in all its yellow splendor taunting me. I may have to go find my crowbar and teach it some respect.

Nancy C said...

My kitchen appliances also talk shit. Not cool, inanimate objects. Not cool.

Danielle said...

I feel ya girl. They are yelling at me too -- and NO freakin' joke that my Wii say "OOOH" extremely loud and rude when I step on. Ugh. But anyways... I am in this to win this!!! We can do it.


Alex said...

Heh heh, you're hilarious. Our scale is hidden under the bed with no that biatch can't say anything.

BUT the hubs did get me a wii fit for Xmas and it has a scale built in. Cute pictures so you don't feel as bad for having a fat ass. I'm going to pop it in my post on Wednesday.


Kmama said...

You so had me cracking up.

Go woman, go!! You can do it!

drollgirl said...

oh that damn scale. i'd like to huck it out the window, or better yet, bash it into a brick wall.

you are on your way. i need to get on it, too. ugh. UGH. it is not going to be easy, but the nice part will be looking and feeling better real fast. :) i'm trying, and i know you are too. :) we can do it.

sorry if this reads CHEESY. i am being sincere. :)

Unknown Mami said...

My scale is a whore! If I weigh myself naked in the bathroom I weigh more than I do when I weigh myself fully clothed in the hallway. WTH?

Kick ass on this journey! You can do it! You will do it!

Just Another Momma said...

OMG the shock when I got on my bastard scale today . . . WOW, I'm with you. 100 lbs for me to go starting today! Good luck.

ScoMan said...

Inanimate objects are so rude. For me it's usually technology.. printers.. photocopiers.. phones (yes, those are all examples of technology).. but the hurt is the same.

They think just because they don't have feelings it means the rest of us don't have feelings either.

Ed Adams said...

This is why I don't own a scale. I can't have them using that kind of language around my kids.

Good luck with the diet & exercise stuff. I will be right behind you.

Moooooog35 said...

I really really thought this was going to be about sex toys.


Lily said...

Your scale is almost as mean to you as my pants are to me.


Anonymous said...

Hey girlie! I know you are super duper busy and all.... But I have left you an award at my place!

AJ said...

You know what? My scale told me something similar (it doesn't cuss as much as yours does)... it did flip me off, sucker punch me to the stomach and rattle away snickering.

I'm not sure what it meant by that.

Heading over to join in to become a skinny bitch too! :)

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

You can do it! I'll abuse you worse than anyone if you don't. Ask Dual Mom I'm a hard ass bitch.

Following you now!

Danielle said...

You can do it. We all can do it together.

Lizzy and Elle said...

Here is some power...POWER..did ya feel it...
We have grabbed your button (not bottom) and placed it on our site!

Busted Kate said...

I had the same type of fight with my Wii fit! When you weigh in, and then it makes the little icon based on how fat you are. Stupid Wii fit! What the fuck does it know? Anyways, count me in.

Noelle said...

42 Comments??? Good grief!

My blog wants to be like your blog!!!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

I need some motivation to get my fluffy butt in gear. My scale would fly away Harry Potter Style and tell me to eat it's dust! Oh wait that might be me throwing it out the window. Oh crap we took the window out of the bathroom. My luck I'd throw it against the wall and it would come back at me. But no worry I have some extra padding to save me :) LOL

Anonymous said...


ixcf e ) qd 21

kys said...

We can do it!

PS I forgot to take a before picture. I'm probably too skinny (2 days later) for a pic taken today to count.

Erin said...

You can do it! you are such inspiration for others!!!

Jennifer G. said...

Well, they may be talkin' SMACK NOW but just wait... You'll totally kick their asses later!

In all seriousness... we are behind you 100%!