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WTF? Wednesday: Fruitcake Holiday Edition

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


This is a special edition of  WTF? Wednesday for the Holidays.  We will be replacing the "F" word with FRUITCAKE.  Why?  Cause it's my blog, and I find it immensely amusing, and it's the holidays for The Love of Christmas.  Fruitcake is a little less irreverent than the typical WTF? Wednesday, and Momma wants Santa to put her on the NICE LIST.  Stop laughing!


 WTF?  - A Salvation Army bell ringer, working at a Wal-Mart in Anderson, Indiana was arrested for shoplifting on his lunch break.  He was found with $20 worth of Christmas ornaments that he shoved in his jacket and his fast food bag.  All the while singing "The First Noel".  Oh, but folks it gets better.  He was held without bail after being arrested, for violating the terms of his probation on a previous case.  WTF?

 Since it's so close to Christmas break, and I am not sure whether next week will lend itself well to a WTF? post we are going to hand out What. The. Fruitcake? Awards for the Top10 people in the news of 2009.  These folks all deserve a fruitcake to the face.  That's right.  The worst gift ever, that people regift, throw out, keep for next year to give to someone really unlikeable, the cake that ways a ton, just sounds nasty, and would make a perfect brick to the face. (You'll notice there are only 1-8 listed below.  #8 and #6 are couples, lending fruitcakes to two people.  All total 10.  Work with me, it's simple math folks.)


Without further ado....

8.)  Jon and Kate Gosselin - You subjected us to countless hours of your drivel.  You were headline news for weeks and weeks.  You fought it out every other day on the Today Show.  You lost your television gig (thank you TLC for that train wreck).  We are so glad we are leaving you behind in 2009.  Have a fruitcake to the face!

7.)  Carrie Prejean - You are a sad pathetic excuse for a beauty queen (Oh wait.  You got that title snatched right outta your hands biatch!).  In the 80s, there was a commercial with Kelly LeBrock with a tagline "Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful".  Every time you open your mouth and spew that poor pitiful me, I was so wrongly disparaged against (ahem!) bullshit, we all want to gag.  People hate me because I stood up for what I believe in.  No. No.  Same as Kelly.  Darlin' we don't hate you because you are beautiful.  There are so many other reasons why.  You, deserve a fruit cake to the face! 

6.) Heene's Hoax - This is also known as "The Balloon Boy Hoax".  Though the boy was never in a balloon, he was in a box, in the attic, allegedly.  Your parents are reality television wannabe stars and they deserve FRUITCAKES to the FACE!

5.) Chris Brown - Beat the shizzle outta Rihanna's face right before an awards show.....Wha?????  This guy deserves more than a fruitcake to face!  Perhaps a fruitcake shoved where the sun don't shine.  There is a special place in hell for men that beat on women!

4.)  Joe Jackson - You were promoting your record label a few days after THE KING OF POP died?  Really?  Not grieving the loss of your child?  Hawking your record label?  Seriously?  You are an asshat.  And you deserve a fruitcake to the face. 

3.) Secret Service Director - You deserve a fruitcake to the face.  The Sahili's.  Really?  Nobody caught that shit?  Seriously, I have seen them, a lot.  Not like they were some stealthy nondescript attendees.  No!  They were limelight whores, and no one thought, who the hell are these people?  Really?  WTF?  FRUITCAKE to the FACE!

2.)  Kanya West - Dude!  Fruitcake to the Face.  'Nuff said.

and the number one spot goes to.......

1.) El Tigre!  Unfortunately, as this story continues to unfold, not even Kanye West can make this guy look good.  DAMN!  And the hits just keep on coming.  It really was a joke when I said 18 'hos.  Apparently not.  The numbers on this keep rising like sewer water during a FRAT HOUSE PARTY!  TIGER, take your fruitcake to the face like a man!  SMACK!

There you have it folks.  WHAT. THE. FRUITCAKE. 2009.

29 comments:

BigSis said...

There just aren't enough fruitcakes in the world to handle all the STUPID PEOPLE!

Bruce Coltin said...

Yes, I think that with Tiger, we've only seen the tip of the fruitcake. You may want to refine your awards program to include different size fruitcakes. The Grand Fruitcake might go only to the nuttiest. Just a thought.

Shell said...

I agree with your list.

Hubs would love if someone threw a fruitcake at him so that he could eat it. He's one of those weird people that actually likes the stuff.

Just Another Momma said...

I love this post! El Tigre deserves to be number one! Possibly a fling of the fruit cake with a gold club?

Dual Mom said...

Jon and Kate...rest in hell you pair of asshats.

Corrie Howe said...

Aren't you clever jumping out in front with the year's worst awards...and giving fruitcake, no less!

Have I said it before? G.e.n.i.u.s!

Travis said...

Did I miss the SS thing?

I mean, I have no memory of that.

Fuck the Gossalins. That's real.

Secretia said...

Nuttier than a fruitcake, all of them!

JennyMac said...

The numbers on this keep rising like sewer water during a FRAT HOUSE PARTY!

HILARIOUS.

Ed Adams said...

Anderson, Indiana is only like 30 mins from my house.

I must say, I'm not surprised.

Lily said...

Fruicake in the face for EVERYBODY!

blueviolet said...

Fruitcakes deserve fruitcakes!

Aunt Juicebox said...

My husband is the only person I've ever met who LIKES fruitcake. And I always buy him one for Xmas, because we've NEVER been given one. What I really want is one of those Xmas puddings, but man, they are small and NOT cheap.

I think your idea of shoving them in the out door is much better than just hitting them with the fruitcake. =)

Alicia said...

HAHAAA! i love your list!! and i have an el tigre joke for you...

whats the difference between tiger woods and santa?

santa stops after 3 HO'S!!

HHAAAA!! love you!

carissajaded said...

Ahhh Ballon Boy's family deserves more than a fruit cake in the face! Those people are nutters.

MaeRae said...

LOVE them! I could not stop thinking about the Gosselin family and how bad they were...and then as I read on all of these are so fresh in my mind even though they were ages ago.

Nancy Campbell said...

Jon is the only person in the world capable of making me feel sorry for Kate. I agree, fruitcakes for all!

Unknown Mami said...

Well, at least Kanye got upstaged.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Now you see, I thought you were going to use the word fuck a lot and replace it with fruitcake, but instead you went and did that fruitcake in your face thing, which was hillarious!!

They should all get fruitcakes filled with douchecanoes filled with ass water...

That One Mom said...

Awesome list. Imma add BFF's need's to be ex - The Pile to the list!

Mandi said...

I am with you on all points. The whole ballon boy thing is amazing to me. What a sad state our TV programming is in when a story about a boy in a ballon makes national tv ALL DAY! What happened to great shows like "Married with childre"?

Daffy said...

I wondered if Prejean would make your list! Fabulous way to tie in the holidays. Just when I think you couldn't possibly top the last post...you go and do it again.

Damn...one of these days I'd sure like to know what Hubs thinks about being married to such a friggin' amazing woman! Really! If laughter were alcohol...I'd be so shitfaced drunk after chattin' with you!

Noelle said...

this is an awesome list! you ROCK, think tank momma! i only wish you would say what's REALLY on your mind, you know, not pussy-foot around!

gayle said...

I agree I agree!!! My husband likes fruit cake.YUCK

Raoulysgirl said...

I couldn't agree with you more!

{SMACK}

That's either the sound of our high-five...

...or one of the "List Asshats" getting their "just desserts!"

Mwa haha!!!

Iva said...

HAHHA sorry! Alicia's comment is HILARIOUS!!

his number just grows at an insane rate. I just feel so horrible for his wife.

ScoMan said...

Hahaha People probably thought "What a nice guy, doing a good thing for charity".. it's almost the perfect con. Almost.

I didn't know a lot of the people that made your list, but glad Kanye got in there. I'm sure he'll work harder for number one next year.

Michelle said...

AWESOME post.

and I'm so disgusted with TIGER.

I don't mind Kate...I feel like it's MOSTLY not her fault. But her lame-O husband...IS a fruitcake.

CatLadyLarew said...

Oh, yeah... smack em hard with that fruitcake! Great list.