Halloween Costumes ala Romano

The Little Vampires

The boys right before school yesterday.  They dressed up for the parade.

"I want to suck you dry" this from mini-me,
yeah Kamden you suck the life out of Mommy everyday little one!

The Devil as a Dork.  Still sexy!

Dear Anonymous.....

Well many of you know, that if nothing else, I am honest. Probably to a fault, brutally even.  I put it out there, and I stand by it.  I don't give two shits if you like it or lump it.  A while back, I posted that I am THE Anti-ChristSAHM, for those of you living under a rock SAHM is Stay at Home Mom.  When I did, I made reference to my ex-husband's wife over at Chattywife.com and the post "Step Wives Club".

I basically threw her and Mommy Groups under the proverbial bus.  

Anyway, she apparently found the post.  I don't know if she noticed the link tie, or finally looked at a site traffic meter, or referral meter, or Googled me(most likely she is nosy like that), but whatever the reason, she found the post.  Then, in perfect Chattywife form she emailed it out to all her friends, with I'm sure, an email from hell, about the gall of me, and how dare I, and lots of not nice names.  Fast forward......I am monitoring site traffic and see all these hits coming in from email.  Hmmm...curious.  Further discovery into site traffic.  Ah...there you are, I see you Chattywife admin.  Not 10 minutes later, the swarming in the tank started.

They came, they looked, and then I am sure there were some iPhones blowing up with email, texts and the like.  But comments?  Nope, until.  Anonymous.  Anonymous posts, and I quote verbatim, "you sound like a jealous ex-wife."  Really?  Really?  That is what you are gonna go with?  That was the best you could come up with, seriously?

Jealous of what?  A man I kicked to the curb.....18 years ago?  Are you fucking serious?  Kicked to the curb for cheating on me...while I was pregnant, with someone he worked with?  Oooo...I am sensing a theme.  He worked with her.  Oh, he worked with the third wife too.  Oh, wait for it, he worked with Chattywife too.  Why on earth would I be jealous?

So let's clear the air shall we?

Dear Anonymous,

Fuck no, I am not jealous.  Ex-wife, that I am.  For good cause, please see above.

Now, I know that you probably know Chatty and her hubby personally, and you are just sticking up for her, and feeling all indignant because I talked about your beloved Mommy Groups like that.  I know that I called you all catty, and a grown-up version of Romper Room highschool.    I was simply stating the obvious. (Geez.....there is even a Tostito's commercial making fun of Mommy Groups, everyone thinks you are ridiculous.)

The whole concept, a place to say what we really think, to me is ridiculous.  Why can't you say what you really think all the time?  Why hide behind anonymity?  Why pretend that life is all peachy and rosy in day to day life, and face to face, and then get on-line and grow a back bone?  Why sit around and talk about husbands like they are an accessory, and something you have to deal with?  

Hey, here is a tip, find a partner who is in fact, a partner.  Someone who loves and adores you.  Someone with whom you enjoy spending time.  Someone who enriches your life.  Someone who is your best friend, lover and confidant.  But then, that would really require that you be yourselves wouldn't it?  You know, as opposed to pretending to be something you are not.

HEY, here is another tip.  If you have to lie to your friends and husbands about what you really feel/think, then they don't really know you.  Which means, you have no real friends.  If you are afraid someone won't like you if you express yourself, then you can never know true happiness.  Most people withhold or lie when they don't like or agree with what others say or feel, for fear of being ostracized or worse, not liked.  I, on the other hand, don't want to be placated to.  Tell me the fucking truth.  Saves me a whole lot of grief.  Because, ultimately, your true self will come out, and then we will have wasted days, weeks, months, even years thinking that we were compatible, when we weren't even remotely similar.  Then there will be some sort of dramatic climatic falling out and we could've avoided the whole damn thing by being honest in the first fucking place.  Right?  Right!

Since I am handing out tips, I have one more for you.  When you sit around and gossip about the other friends, mommies in your group who don't happen to be there with you, do you ever think to yourself that they do the same thing when you are absent?  Hmmm....

So, I leave you with this little bit of wisdom, Anonymous, if you want to take issue with me, man up, grow a set, and show yourself.  I can trade wit, snark, and insults with the best of them, and I will do it with my real name and no false pretenses.

Sincerely,

Think Tank Momma aka Adrienzgirl

Brandee

P.S.  I really don't know what the big deal is, if nothing else I am driving traffic to her site, and we all know, the more traffic the better your page ranking right?

Sex, Lies and Santa Clause is Dead

I was Google chatting this morning with one of my best bloggy buddies, who shall remain nameless, cause she told me not to make her main page fodder, and then she called me a bish....and we were blowing up all the preconceived notions about stereotypes, and solving the worlds problems, and finding ways to impart world peace and shiz like that.  Yeah, we're awesome like that.

Anyway, we were chatting about things that make us RLF (real life friends).   I consider all my friends, bloggy or otherwise, friends, just so ya'll are aware.  Yes, I'm delusional that way, but you all already know that.  I blog about my life, and it's real, and I have made friends this way, and probably share more with you than people that I see face to face, so there, friends.  We were discussing that neither of us have a whole lot of girlfriends and the reason(s) for that.  We both agreed, neither of us are girly-girls, and that maybe we might just be a little bit too honest.

Too honest you say?  I will explain.  Yes, I am going to blow the lid off some well kept woman secrets.  Listen up!

Women pretend to not like sex.  That way they can use it against men.  They can use it as a reward system.  They can pretend it is more of a duty in marriage than a privilege.  Crap!  It's all crap!  We like it.  Some of us love it.  And I for one, do not ever use it for anything other than intimacy and love with my sweetheart.

Women talk about other women when they are not around.  Especially their friends.  I am not really sure why.  This one is perplexing.  I don't get it.  It is the reason said bloggy buddy and I are so not girly-girls, and why both of us admitted to having no real girlfriends.  Cause here's the thing, if you don't participate, you can't be in the club.  Cattiness is not my thing.  I refuse to gossip, and I am so not in the club.  And, I don't care.  *gasp* Not care that I am not in the club?  What?  ALL women want to be accepted?!  Nope, not this bish, and not my bloggy bud either.

Next, women fart.  Women burp.  Women belch.  Women go number two.

Here are a few other things:  We don't like laundry, dishes, cleaning toilets, cleaning under beds, cleaning closets, picking up the shit everyone leaves where it doesn't belong, changing diapers, wiping butts and snotty noses.  We do it because we have to, and because we love you.

Well, that pretty much covers it.  

Oh yeah, also...Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy.  Not real.

Love!

Think Tank Momma presents an award...

Well, it's Wednesday.  It should be time for Walk on the Wild Side.  But alas, I have to hang up my pink stripper boots.  While I am totally comfortable with the content I posted, and the content I intended to continue to post, others were not.  And before you all start emailing me that I say I don't care what people think and on and on, bite your little tongues and let me explain further.

While it's true I do not care what people think, and if you like it you do, if you don't you can stick it where the good Lord split it, I am all about respect.  Furthermore, I respect my hubs.  And HE would prefer that I change it up a bit.  I may bring it back at some point, I may change the format a bit.  But, I received an onslaught of emails regarding Installment Numero Uno.  I also received many virtual high fives and atta-girls, and an overwhelming positive response from many that I thought might find the content offensive.  Taking it all into consideration, and keeping in mind that I know many of the folks that read my blog regularly, the hubs prefers not to share some of our most intimate and wild exploits.

So moving right along.  I received an award from my buddy Triple H aka Lee over at Headaches, Hotflashes & Hormones.

Thank you, thank you!  (takes a humble bow)  I love bloggy awards!  And I love Lee.  She gives great humor, through her witty posts and she gives lots of comment love.  If you haven't been over to check her out, do it.  But wait until after you are finished reading this post cause you will be there awhile.  Yes, she is that fun!  I promise you won't be disappointed.

Special note:  Lee also gives great tips, hints, and strong suggestions to improve your overall blog...listen to her peeps, she is a wise one!!

Alright now for an award I created SPECIAL for the blogs and bloggers I love the most.  Since I created it, you cannot pass it along.  You have to love me forever.  AND, you better be kissing up for AWHILE!

This award goes to the following peeps:

Alicia of it ain't easy being cheesy
Ed aka Mr. Funny Man over at Ed's Funny Pages
Duckalicious aka Daffy over at BATCRAP CRAZY
Travis over at I like to Fish
LiLu over at Live it, LOVE it
Triple H as referenced above
Cheesecake of the famous Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom
DiPaola Momma of the notorious Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom
And last but certainly not least...
Lily over at Tapdancing in the Dark


QUICK UPDATE:  I feel bad ya'll cause I left someone off that I totally meant to give this award to.  She has brought me to tears of laughter to the point that I have had to change my panties, more than once.  I love her and I am sorry I left her off here.  Go give Hillbilly some love too!  She's over at Hillbilly Duhn's Times and Tribulations

Now let the love fest begin.  I accept cash, chocolate and the occasional sexual favor!  Seriously, I think you guys are funny and I often laugh loud enough for the hubs to inquire about what I am reading when I visit your blogs.  Now go post this proudly!

LOVE!

Think Sweet Sweet Treat

It's time for an education lesson for you my loves.  Chocolate.  Mmmm.....sweet nectar of the Gods!  History time.  Who knows it's origin?  I do, cause I'm smart like that.  So here it is, I want my followers all edumacated and I can't have slackers.  Well, at least about important shit like, chocolate, coffee, vampires....what?  Oh, sorry.  I got distracted.

So history of chocolate.  Chocolate was first cultivated and consumed by The Mayans and The Aztecs.  Yeah, and you all thought that North America was The Promised Land.  Nope.  By the year 1000 A.D. the cocoa beans were being used as currency.  The Aztecs were a little screwed up though.  They were drinking undiluted, unsweetened liquor from fermented cocoa beans.  They believed it would bring them wisdom, energy and understanding, and it was reserved for their powerful.  Can you say ick!?

So when Columbus arrived in 1492 he was given some beans.  He took them back to Spain, but he didn't know how to cultivate or ferment them. Shortly thereafter, Cortez showed up in 1519 to conquer Montezuma. The Aztecs, silly as they were, believed he was some Q-something or other guy that was prophesied to return.  Anyhoo, they tried to bribe him with chocolate.  It didn't work, he settled their lands for Spain.  But, he learned how to properly process those precious little cocoa beans.  He took them and the knowledge of how to get that liquor goodness ick back to Spain.

But you just got to love those sexy Spainards.  They make everything sexy.  Including CHOCOLATE.  They added sugar and honey to the bitter liquid goodness, and presto-chango, sweet nectar of the Gods.  They, like those Aztec/Mayan stingy bastards only allowed the upper echelon to partake of the sexy brown liquor!  The Spainards kept that secret at Court for 100 years.

So...now, are you all ready for all that candy on Saturday?  Hmmm?  Ready for chocolatey goodness that you are going to send your kiddos out whoring for?  Oh, don't look at me with such indignation and those glaring eyes over glasses like I just said something so Gawd Awful that you can't believe it.  You know that you end up going through their bags, taking all the pieces of your favorites, and telling them that one looks bad, or whatever other excuse you come up with to steal candy from babies.  They are all lies.  And why do we do it?  I do cause that's what my Dad did.  But hey, he always took us trick or treating.  Nevermind, that when we said we were ready to quit he would make us keep going for say another 30 houses.  Why?  Because he was going to steal our candy!

I had worked out this masterful, and I do mean masterful plan with the kids this year.  I end up throwing so much candy away every year, that when they were having trouble deciding what they wanted to be, I, in a momentary stroke of sheer genius, suggested that they could skip Trick or Treating if they wanted.  Here was the offer:  if you don't get costumes, I will take you to buy your favorite big bag of Halloween candy and then you won't have all the stuff you don't like.  THEY. AGREED.  I was so stoked!  Yeah, that lasted about a week.  They decided they need costumes because they have to dress up for school.  Freaking Public Education.  Damnit!  I kid. Sort of.

Anyway, I did get out of costumes sort of.  We found these great t-shirts at Wal-Mart.  They come with a handkerchief for a mask.  They had pirates, zombies, vampires, and a few others.  The boys wanted the vampire ones.  We have some makeup, fake blood/teeth and white hair spray, and I got it all for like $15.  So, I guess they are going to trunk-or-treat at church and dress up for school.  Happy Halloween you little boogers!

We have this local chocolatier here in North Florida called Peterbrooke Chocolatiers.  They have the best chocolates.  They even make chocolate covered popcorn.  And it is to die for!  I promise.  They had a Spooktacular event  this afternoon that Kooper and Kamden attended.  It was awesome.  They got to learn about the chocolate.  Tour the facility, and best part.  They got to dip cookies, pretzels, etc..in the warm liquid goodness and bring home their creations!  They had a great time.  See their smiling faces below.

Sitting outside before the chocolate dipping began:

And here they are in aprons and hats ready for us to leave already!

And one last pic, they love each other for real!

Well folks, I hope you enjoyed your chocolate lesson as much as the munchkins did!

Keep it sweet, and leave me some love!

Memoir Monday: A Sign, A Drunk, and The Po-Po

Well, it's Monday again, and we all know what that means!  Musings of the Teenage Idiot Memoir Monday sponsored by my buddy Travis over at I like to Fish.




As you all have read in previous Memoir Mondays, I used my genius IQ for some really smart completely ridiculous antics as a brilliant teenager.  In that vain, comes another musing from the teenage me.

We'll call this one:  A Sign, A Drunk and The Po-Po

So, many of my exploits will never be chronicled, cause let's face it, some things are best left unsaid, and I have to pretend to have some air of mystery about me, you know so that you all have some sliver of respect for the grown-up me.  But, this one makes me laugh every time I think about it, and maybe you all will find it funny too.  Perhaps not, it may be one of those, you just had to be there stories.

So, I lived with three guys.  Pierre, Daemien and Randy.  We had the apartment that everyone came to party at cause everyone was still living with the parents and whatnot.  At any given time, there could be any number of people there that none of us knew, they would just show up with friends, or friends of friends.  Daemien worked as an assistant manager at Little Caesar's Pizza which meant we always had pizza.  Pierre and Randy worked at Dunkin' Donuts, so we always had donuts.  Someone, and I don't recall who, had a fake ID, so we always had some sort of alcohol.  So we had beer, vodka and food.  Therefore, we ALWAYS had some type of company.  Go figure.

One night, we had a relatively quiet evening and Daemien had consumed way too much alcohol.  Well, he always consumed way too much, but that's another story.  Anyhoo, you know how drunk people can be.  You can't tell them anything.  Add to that, teenager, and well...DISASTER waiting to happen entertainment.  So we'll, call him The Drunk.

The Drunk decides that we need to go procure a street sign for Pierre.  Pierre was dating a girl named Kristin.  So, he got out a map and starts looking for Kristin anything, Lane, Road, Street, Circle.  The only one he could find was a good 45 minute drive from us.  It is probably noteworthy to mention, The Drunk and Pierre had both been arrested, more than once, for stealing street signs.  They were both on their own as it were, for stunts such as this.  The Drunk was not quite 18, Pierre was already 18, I was 18 and Randy was 19.

So,the drunk found Kristin Lane, and he was going to go and get it.  Pierre and Randy worked the overnight shift, making the donuts so they were going to work.  That left me.  I had planned to get some rest because the next morning we were going to Wild Waters when Pierre and Randy got off work.  I wasn't about to let the drunk drive, given that he had way over-served himself, so I said I would drive.

Off we went to get The Sign.  I drove the drunk's car, an early 70s model cherry red Volkswagen Bug.  We all drove VW Bugs, except Pierre who was a motorcycle man.  Now, said cherry red bug was a little on the loud side.  You wouldn't think that a glorified lawnmower engine would be that loud, but even today I am often awoken on a Saturday morning (when I would like to sleep in) by a neighbor mowing his lawn, so now that I think about it, I guess that it makes sense it was loud.  Anyway, we arrive some 45 minutes later in Marrietta to steal The Sign.

I let the drunk out, and turn around in a circle and sat in the vehicle at an idle.  I watch him try and try to remove the sign.  It won't come off.  We are there like 20 minutes, and nothing.  IT. Will. Not. Come. Off.  Finally, defeated, the drunk makes his way back to the car as a light comes on outside one of the houses in this neighborhood.  We take off.  I put my little foot on the floor and we book it down the highway.  The Drunk says he isn't ready to go back home so drive the long way around Jacksonville.

So as I am passing downtown Jax I see lights in the rear view mirror.  Shit.  Double shit!  I'm speeding.  Oh crap, I lost my driver's license.  Not sure where I left it.  Oh fuck me, I have a drunk minor in the seat next to me, no license, speeding, illegal nerf bars on the front of this Bug, and a crack in the windshield.  I. am. so. screwed!  I pull over.  Wait.  There are cops on both sides of the road?? WTF?  There are several behind me!?!  I am so going to jail. 

I roll down the window as the cop walks up and he says, "Please step out of the vehicle slowly and put your hands where I can see them." OMG!  About that time I see the drunk being pulled from the vehicle with a gun pointed in his back.  Are you freaking kidding me?  No, I do not jest!  So, scared shitless, I exit the vehicle, very slowly.  The officer asked for ID, and I stuttered out that I had lost my driver's license.  He escorted me back to his vehicle and offered me a seat in the back of his shiny police car.  I watched as the cops are patting down my partner in crime and sit shaking like a leaf in the backseat.  Finally, the drunk is dumped into the back next to me.

I start giggling.

Me:  I have never seen the inside of a cop car before.
Drunk:  I have, it isn't that fun.
Me:  What are they doing out there.
Drunk:  We woke up a police officer while trying to get the sign.
Me:  Well that's fan-fucking-tastic.
Drunk:  Shhh...don't talk.
Me: Why not.
Drunk:  They are listening to us.
Me:  Ah...good to know.  Are they gonna take us to jail?
Drunk:  I hope not, my parents are on vacation.  I will have to stay until they get back in town.
Me:  You're screwed Dude!  Randy can come bail me out in the morning.
Drunk:  Well good for fucking you!
Me:  Oh. Sorry.
Drunk:  Shut up already.

Policeman, we'll call him Po-Po, gets into the vehicle.  Reads us our rights.  DAMNIT!  We are under arrest?!

Po-Po asks  me name, DOB, height, weight, eye color, address.  I deliver full name, birthdate,  5'9, 125lbs., brown, address.  Po-Po asks the drunk name, DOB, height, weight, eye color, address.  The drunk responds with full name, birthdate, 5"10, 125lbs., brown, same address.

Po-Po:  You are an awful big boy to weigh 125lbs.
Drunk:  Oh, I mean 225lb.
Me: hysterical laughter
Po-Po:  Snickers.
Drunk: glares at me
Po-Po:  Let me get this straight, you(speaking to me) live with him(motions to the drunk)
Me:  Yes sir, and two other guys.
Po-Po: Rolls eyes and turns around

The Po-Po runs our info.  I come up clean!  Yeah for me!  Po-Po decides to give us a break.  He asks if the drunk can drive.  I tell him, probably not.  They exit vehicle for sobriety check.  Nope.  Still drunk.  Po-Po reluctantly writes me a ticket(for not having a driver's license on me) and apologizes for having to do so.  He apologizes for the over exuberant asshole that we woke up.  Apologizes for the gun in the drunk's back, and thanks me for not letting the drunk drive in the first place.

So the drunk decided to hang up his theft shoes.  No more street signs!  And we spent a lovely afternoon at Wild Waters that afternoon!

D2F for Cheesecake's sake!

So my girl crush buddy blogger extraordinaire, Cheescake over at Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom started this whole blogoshpere movement with the also FABUlous DiPaolo Momma over at Chicken Nuggets of Wisdom.  They decided since many of us sit around in pajamas most of the day, hell, most of the week, o.k., so I never get out of mine, that it might make sense for us to try and spruce ourselves up on occasion, and bring some LOVE to life.  You know, even if just for ourselves, but hey if the hubs likey-likey, BONUS!  SO.....I am joining the Drabby to Fabby Friday movement.  (Plus, there are prizes to be won peeps!  And what can I say, I am a sucker for free makeup!)

I have had a rough week, you know, having contracted the Yak! flu and all.  BUT, I felt much better today.  And I think everyone is officially on the mend.  Kooper didn't end up getting it, so I am still crossing fingers on that one.  But, come to think of it, since he had his tonsils removed, he does seem to skate by without contracting the rest of the crap we all end up with.  Anyway, Kenna took a photo of me Monday before things really got bad, but after the puking had already started making it's way through the family.  I looked, um....ROUGH!  So I have cropped the pic to show just the eyes.  BARE Nekkid!  No makeup!  OMG!

Cheesecake, I would only do this for you woman!

Today, after a new head of hair color, yeah!  And, doing major construction with eyeliner and mascara.  My baby brown's look more like this!

It's truly amazing how much better you feel when you get up and do what it takes to look beautiful.  I am glad to have joined the movement!  Thanks for the kick in the ass motivation Tamara, and Lara!  I love your idea, it is much needed.

I decided to start with eyes, cause they are my favorite feature.  FOR anyone.  The eyes say so much about a person.  I love them.  Brown ones, blue ones, green ones...ones that change color.  They can tell you everything about a person.  Who they are, what they are.  They can be warm, and they can be cold.  But, a person's eyes will always let you know what is in the heart and in the soul!

So, thanks for all the arm twisting encouragement Cheesecake and Momma Nuggs!  I will continue to do the whole D2F squared movement with ya!

Love!!

Remembering Somer Renee

This is a quick post, as my heart is heavy tonight.  My community is grieving a loss that can only be described as senseless.

Remembering Somer Renee

There is no loss that cuts as deep

As when a Mother loses her Keep.

Stolen from a family's love

Now at peace up above.

A brother twin now half a whole,

A mother with a broken soul.

Prayers for one lost so young

You are My Sunshine by a vigil sung.

Struck with grief, every heart so full

The pain it seems will never dull.

There is no answer to the question why?

That one so young has to die.

Keep her safe Lord, show her grace.

Accept her in Thy warm embrace.

And for the family grieving here,

Touch them with Love, and wash away their tears.

All my friends and family.  Please keep our community in your hearts and prayers.  A seven year old little girl went missing Monday, and it appears her body has been recovered from a Landfill site in Georgia.  Her family is experiencing more grief than I think is bearable.

Thanks all!  As always, LOVE!

I think I had the Yak! Flu........

Well, it's Wednesday, and last week I instituted Walk on the Wild Side Wednesdays here at my place.  Well, that was last week and this week, well, due to some dreaded strain of some sickness that probably isn't from birds or pigs, but perhaps Yaks, cause, that's what everyone in my house has been doing, yacking, I will replace this week's issue of WWSW with something else.  Let's face it, obviously since I have been talking to the toilet this week, I am not feeling even slightly sexy or wild.  I spent the entire day yesterday in bed or in the bathroom.  I'll spare you the details, except to say projectile YACKING almost killed me.  DEAD!  Really, I am one of those people who would rather lay there and feel bad, then get up and just puke so that you feel better.  I HATE to vomit!  But whatever sick strand of YAK flu we had here at Romano Central, just laying there was not an option!

So, today I feel a bit better.  No more projectile anything coming from both ends!  Yes, we had that too.  Now you are feeling my pain aren't you!?

Since there is a whole bovine theme here today, and since it's almost Halloween, I also give you my kid joke of the week:

"What do you do to a cow bitten by a vampire?"  

"You STEAK him."

(The boys think that I am so talented because I came up with that one on the fly last year around this time.)

So...never fear, next week, we will be back to Walking on the Wild Side.  We will wear our high heel stilettos, latex this, and latex that.  We will do a little dance....make a little love...and shake what our momma gave us.  But today, today is not that day.  Sorry!

And...since I am in a not so chipper mood, you know given that I had Yak Flu and all, I thought, it's been awhile since I gave you my thoughts on current events.  So here it is, here's what I think!

I think:  balloon boy and his family of hoaxsters, pulled one off!  Holy shit, you captivated a nation full of morons.  Now the media is hesitating to report real news, like the Amber Alert in Clay County, FL.  A little girl is missing, and they waited to make sure it was REAL. Congratulations, asshats!  I hope you get YAK FLU!

I think:  Jon and Kate have gotten the message. They haven't been headline news in like three days!  Woo Hoo.  Jon and Kate, we hate you.  Move on!  You suck, and I hope you get YAK FLU!

I think:  Disney's Train Tour for their new Christmas Carol movie with Jim Carrey was put together by the mentally challenged.  Hey, there is only parking for like 100 cars at the Amtrak station in Jacksonville, FL.  Let's plan an event, promote said event as "FREE", and then laugh at all the people who show up and stand in line for FOUR hours to see the train after they have driven around for two hours to find a parking spot, when their mom is at home in bed dying with the Yak Flu!  Hey planners of this event:  HP and Disney, I hope you get the YAK FLU!  Asshats!

Well, my sweets, enough of what I think.  What do you think?  Who do you think needs a good case of YAK?

Leave me some love!  I need it, been feeling puny the last couple of days!

Memoir Monday - Once Upon a Time, I was an Idiot Teenager

Once upon a time, there was this idiot teenager.  I know, idiot teenager is redundant.  Teenager=lack of any good sense whatsoever

It's Monday again, and my buddy Travis over at I like to Fish instituted this Memoir Monday thing last week.  It went over pretty well, so I am sticking with it for a bit.

Yesterday, the hubs and I were downloading some music, the legal way, via iTunes.  I would kill to have all the cds I have purchased  over the years.  I have lost so many of them, through moving, or playing them too many times in the car, before the invention of those MP3 players and iPods and such.  I have probably spent enough on music to put at least two of our four children through college.  But, then what else do teenagers go to work for?  I went so I could buy music, and clothes.  But, I digress, and those are topics for another day.

We are a music lovin' family.  At any given time when the family is going down the road, you can count on all of us singing some 80s mega hit.  My kids have all the words to Mr. Roboto, Don't Stop Believing, Bohemian Rhapsody and many others down pat.  It is probably quite a spectacle to witness for on-lookers.  I often notice that we get a lot of "looks" from vehicles when we are stopped at traffic lights.  However, we laugh and continue on in our merriment.  Anyshizzle, we (the hubs and I) have been missing quite a few of our old favorites.  When we venture out on our own, we listen to the 80s and 90s stations on the Sirius Satellite station.  It came free for a year with my Jeep! Go me!  Every time we are listening one of us will say "I need that song" or "Ooo, that's a good one, I need to download that one!"

This evening when we picked up necessities at the local Wal-Mart, I added an iTunes card.  There were several "must-have-that's" on the list.  And varied they were: The Police, U2, Ronnie Milsap, Alabama, Bauhaus, Love and Rockets, Metallica, Sheryl Crow, 10,000 Maniacs, Edie Brickell, The Verve Pipe, Tonic, Jefferson Airplane, Foreigner, Our Lady Peace, Journey, Sarah McLachlan and last but certainly not least, Depeche Mode.  I bought, for the probably millionth time, the album I know inside and out, up and down, backwards and forwards.

I remember this album with memories that are both dear and near to my heart, and other memories that, certainly are not some of my proudest moments.  This album came out and became popular the year I graduated from high school.  I was a rebellious jackass at 17, and 18, and 19, and well....hell, I still am sometimes.  I moved out of my parents house about three weeks after I turned 18.  Again, not my proudest moment.  I wanted to be wild, and free, and stay out as late as I deemed appropriate.  I moved in with some friends.  Daemien, Pierre and Randy.  Three guys.  Again, not my proudest moment.  Daemien was one of my best friends, as it turns out, now my brother-in-law.  Randy, first husband.  Pierre, is still one of our nearest and dearest friends.  He's family as far as we are concerned.

PARENTAL ADVISORY:  IF YOU CONTINUE PAST THIS POINT AND YOU KNOW ME PERSONALLY, YOU MAY NEVER LOOK AT ME THE SAME.  STOP READING NOW!  I TOLD YOU SO, IF YOU ARE STILL READING, YOU WERE WARNED!

Amongst other things that I consider to be, less than my finer moments, and certainly something, in hindsight I would take a "redo" on, is one of the strongest memories I recall each time I hear this album.  The three guys and I, along with a gaggle of other idiot teenagers who, on any given evening, spent every chance we got hanging out and being stupid, would find three or four jiffy markets where we could purchase butane.  We would save the plastic bags that the newspaper came in, because even though we were idiots, we did read the newspaper daily.  And, believe it or not, we all had full time jobs.  Miracles, I tell you, only miracles saw fit to make sure we made it through each day, alive.

So once we had purchased three or four containers of butane, we would gather back at our pathetic excuse for an apartment and get out the plastic newspaper sleeves.  Pop Violator in the "boom box" and fill those plastic sleeves full of butane.  Shake the bag.  Feel it get cold.   Inhale.  Hold it.  Exhale.  Feel the burn....wha...wha...wha...high!  We listened to that album high on butane, more times than I care to remember.  It truly is a miracle that none of us ever required a trip to the emergency room.

Years later, I was watching Rescue 911.  You remember that show?  William Shatner hosted it.  Anywho, I was watching an episode and the idiot kids were "huffing".  Now, every other episode I had ever watched, something tragic happened, and then Rescue 911 came and saved the day.  That was the whole premise of the show.  Every time, tragedy, save the day.  Tragedy, save the day.  Not this episode.  One of the kids who was "huffing" butane, DIED.  I gasped.  My heart sunk.  I was transported right back to that living room floor, where I, and my friends spent so many times, inhaling butane.

First, I had never heard the term huffing.  Second, I lived a sheltered life.  Third, while "huffing" it never occurred to me that we could die.  Fourth, I was an idiot.  And lastly, I WAS AN IDIOT!

Each time I hear the album, I thank God that I made it through my teenage years alive.  Because let's face it, obviously I was tempting Fate each time I did something THAT stupid.  And if I was THAT stupid, it can only be attributed to God having a plan for me!  Seriously, it's a miracle!

Well, that's my Memoir Monday.  I have many other memories that go with my Depeche Mode Violator album, and many reasons to love it that don't include stupidity.  Enjoy your Monday folks!

Remember, music makes your spirit fill with youth. 

Love!

Think "Anti-SAHM"

Alrighty, here we go.  You ready?  This is gonna be one of those posts that will insight riots.  Can't you tell just by the title?  Some have said of me in the past, in reference to my inability to hold back, that I possibly have diarrhea of the mouth.  Yes, that's right!  Can you believe the gall of some people?

Anyway, I have been in the closet for some time now.  Living with shame.  But, today I have found a bit of moxie and I think that I can find my voice and share with others.  I am stepping out and say it loud and proud!
I don't like children.  I don't.  Well, actually I don't like other people's children.  AND, I don't like being a stay at home mom.  I would rather go to work.  Spend my day amongst the adults.  Have meaningful conversations about politics, and the economy, and deadlines and work.

God that was liberating!  I feel GREAT!

So, I should say, I love my children.  I do!  It's a love that only another mother could fathom.  It's unexplainable, there are no words.  None that can capture what a joy and rapture a mom feels when she looks at her children.  Having said that, I do not have the mommy gene that makes me jump for joy when my babies did their first doodies.  The only cool thing about POOP is that it is a palindrome and backwards or forwards it is the same.  Also, I am elated at the end of an evening when it's bedtime and they go to sleep.  I have been known to respond when people tell me that my children are "so cute", with "yeah, when their sleeping!"

Anti-SAHM, let me go further with this and explain.  I think Mommy groups are for the socially inept.   Why do you need a community of others to ask common sense questions like, what is an appropriate bedtime for children?  Weren't you a child once?  Didn't you have a freakin' bedtime?  Did you suffer severe head trauma as a small child and forget what time you were told was appropriate?  Or, why is it necessary to consult with other new moms about what your child should be doing at each monthly stage.  All children are different and they progress at their own pace.  You take your child to the pediatrician to make sure they are reaching the milestones they are supposed to, they are called well baby checkups.  Duh!  Do you not trust the doctor who went to medical school, who paid all that good money to get educated?  Surely he is a better source to consult than the 30 something year old lady who thinks your child is behind because hers started walking at 8 months and yours didn't until he was 10 months. 

My mom never joined one of these groups.  She didn't set up "play dates" for us.  We went outside and played with the neighbors.  If you don't live in a neighborhood where you feel comfortable letting your children play with the neighbors, and you have to ship in children from a Mommy group, perhaps YOU have issues.  I mean really, WTF?  Perhaps you should move to another neighborhood where the class of people is better suited for your snobbery.

Don't misunderstand me, I do not have any problems with stay at home moms who love their job.  I think it's fabulous that there are women that are living their dream of being a wife, and mother and homemaker.  I respect those women who Homeschool their kids to protect them from the woes of the world.  That allow their children to be shielded from the tragedy that is the world we live in.  I would never mock THEM.

I however, have no use for the likes of my "step-wife".  That's right, the moniker my ex-husband's wife has dubbed me with.  Can I just say?  CRAZY!  She has a blog where she and her other mommy group followers talk about their husbands, how they have sex when they don't want to to make sure they(the hubs) don't go elsewhere), confess things like they spy on others on Facebook, and the list goes on.  It's like a grown up Romper Room version of highschool.  Catty!  If they are the stereotypical SAHMs and Mommy Groups....I am The Anti-ChristSAHM.  (NOTE:  I am not the one she is calling friend, that would be the third wife.  I was the first wife.  The one with the blog...NUMBER FOUR)

I want to say this before all of you start firing off nasty-grams I LOVE MY CHILDREN, and I LOVE MY HUSBAND, and I am thankful for the ability to stay home and not lose our possessions. I am one of the most blessed people I know.  I am RICH beyond compare in the fact that I have Prince Charming for a husband and a gaggle of brilliant, funny, beautiful, and HAPPY WELL ADJUSTED children.

Anyshizzle, sorry for the rant today.  I just had to share!  As always, I leave you with Love!

That is all!

Walk on the Wild Side Wednesday: Rumpus Installment Numero Uno

New tradition here at my place...cause it's my place and I can do what I want.  Walk on the Wild Side Wednesdays.  I think that everyone needs to Feed their Wild Side.  You know what I am talking about, that little creature that we all have.  The whimsical inner beast, villain, rapscallion, devil, evildoer, ruffian, miscreant, monster, varlet, harlot, scamp, scoundrel, transgressor, coquette, siren, temptress, pimp, wench.  You can pick your name, and name your beast, but we all have one.  I say whimsical because there is always a bit of the illogical, the quixotic, the impulsiveness to our untamed wild hearts.

Alrighty then, let your hair down, kick your boots off, or don't, if want to don those high heeled platform, thigh high stripper boots, by all means, zip those bitches up!  Unleash your inner freak id, box up that Superego for a bit, and let's throw caution to the wind and allow the pleasure sensors just a bit of tickling!

Everybody in?  Good, you bunch of heathens!

Walk on the Wild Side Installment Numero Uno

My husband and I have the best relationship I could ever ask for, and we love each other, and only each other.   That being said, I am probably more open to "trying shit out" than many of my friends and peers. 

Case in Point:  Our First Wedding Anniversary 

I planned a very nice dinner.  All quiet, romantic.  We went to dinner at the restaurant we went to on our honeymoon.  It was sweet, special, all the things that the wifey poo is usually so fond of on an anniversary date.   We canoodled all through dinner, loving glances, swooning, the hubs bought me an anniversary ring to match my engagement ring and wedding band, princess cut, three stones(I loved you yesterday, I love you today, I will love you tomorrow) symbolizing past, present and future.  It was lovely.

***ENTER MY VIXEN ALTER EGO STAGE LEFT***

We got in the car and I took the hubby to our next destination.  It was a secret.  I had anticipation all night, all through dinner, I was so excited, I was going to be the coolest wife in the history of the world!  I took my husband to a STRIP Club.  That's right, we went to a Gentlemen's Club, actually, we went to a couple.  We had the best time.  I am not uncomfortable with sexuality, not mine and certainly not others.  I enjoyed watching the hubby get all excited when the strippers came to our table and made goo-goo eyes at me.  I know that is male fantasy: El Classico  We played it up for him.  It worked!  Yeah!  Go me!

We ended the night alone, together, having hot, dirty, hot, dirty, hot, hot, sex!

So, the moral of the story here folks, is the secret to a happy marriage is hot dirty sex.  I kid, I kid.  Sort of.  Seriously, we keep the fires burning.  We make sure to feed each others inner beast.  Fantasies, role playing, whatever is your poison.  In order to have a healthy anything, it needs nourishment!

So from now on, when you come by on Wednesday, it's skinny dipping in the tank with me!  Sustenance for Your Mistress or Vixen aka Lady Love.

Keep it saucy!  If it ain't got spice, don't leave it here.

That is all for now my sweets, leave me some love!

Think BACON, loads and loads of BACON, or Roasted Pig

O.k....my faithful bunch of bloggy stalkers.  Most of you already follow my buddy Travis over at I Like to Fish but for those of you who don't, go check him out today.  We had a bonfire, we roasted a pig, and we had some fun in honor of Travis' 100th Blog Post.

My HERO in blogland with the grown-up blog, that has a real following, not like my poor pathetic excuse for a following(not that I don't love you all, I do, I'm just saying, she is REALLY popular, where I just pretend to be popular and try to fit in, and if you don't believe me just read all the comments Ed left about me) Cheesecake over at Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom even made a special button for the occasion and everything.  She is so cool.... *swoon* I think I have a girl crush on her!  Shh.....it's our little secret.

 

I wrote a poem for the Roast, that was pretty darn creative, if I do say so myself.  But, of course, I was upstaged by Ed, and all the other "cool" kids.

Notice:  If you are dull, boring, vapid, and simply lack a sense of humor do not visit the aforementioned Roast.  If you are faint of heart, a prude, dislike four letter words, or are in any way shape or form offended easily perhaps you should not visit Travis either.  Actually, if any of those last several things describe you, why exactly do you follow me?

I am easily persuaded to write poetry for others.  All Travis had to do was ask, however, there was a promise of awards, and what can I say, I will do anything to fit in with the cool kids with the awesome blogs.  Check out my Awesome Award of Awesomeness!

 

Thanks TRAVIS!  Love!

Anyshakes, make sure if you didn't already check out my Memoir Monday post you do and leave some love.  I need it after all the mean stuff Ed said about me today.  I mean Travis asked, but all I did was agree to participate.  He(Travis) has thick skin, me, I have fragile girlie-girl sensibilities.  I have feelings.  I can't take it.  *pout* *stomp foot* *sniff* *tears* *huff* *puff* *more tears*

(Rolling on floor laughing that you were actually buying that  load of steaming horse shit) 

That is all!

Memoir Monday: Dog Days of Summer

There is this great local website that we have here in the Jacksonville, FL area that I visit on a regular basis for upcoming events for the kiddos.  Jax4kids.com lists free and pay events from Public libraries, special engagements, to whatever.  They also have scouted out where kids eat free every day of the week, by surrounding areas, since Jacksonville is SO spread out, and a commuter area for several cities in the greater area.

I was searching the site today for a pumpkin patch, a real one, not the come-to-our-church-patch-and-overpay-pumpkin-patch, and found no place to go for pumpkins, BUT, found something else.  So, in typical, fly by the seat of my pants, and plan nothing but go somewhere cool with the kids fashion, I made plans at 2:45pm to do something at 4:00pm on the other side of town.  My husband is such a good sport!  Today is launch day for Diary of a Wimpy Kid 4: Dog Days.  Our favorite place Barnes & Noble had a launch party, and we went as soon as the boys got home.  It was a major hit.  There was a letter from Jeff Kinney, read aloud to all the children.  They had a drawing for a couple of t-shirts, and the poster from the window(which was seriously cool).  The boys didn't win but they were thrilled with the games and the Release Party!  They got free temporary tatoos, book marks and we purchased the book!  We finished off the night with Five Guys Burgers for dinner(everyone's fav)!

So my buddy Travis over at I like to Fish has instituted a new Memoir Monday tradition, so I am gonna give it a shot.

Since I made you sit through my impromptu family excursion to B&N to acquire the latest installment of DoWK, Dog Days of Summer, I thought I would give you a Dog Days of Summer Memoir.

When I was a teenager we used to go to Girls Camp as a part of our young women's group at church.  Girls from 12-16 would spend a week at camp, we learned first aide, swimming, had nightly gatherings, sang songs, did crafts, and enjoyed fellowship with each other.  It was always HOT, and I mean REALLY HOT.  Florida is not the place to camp if there is no air conditioning, but somehow we always survived the week.  

As with most camps, there were always a lot of pranks.  And girls can be quite "catty".  We would always do the typical camp counselor pranks, like toilet paper the leaders cabins.  Sometimes that would include fishing line so they were locked in for a while.  That was always a good one.  But my ALL TIME favorite prank ever, was one that still makes me laugh when I hear a certain song.

So, once you completed your four years of camp you could come back as a Jr. Counselor at 17.  The girls who decided to come back enjoyed it because they got a cool cabin and got to stay out later than the rest of us, and they didn't have a cabin counselor (OLD PERSON) as their leader.  My last year, I had the coolest counselor ever.  She brought all sorts of "supplies" for pranks, and we were going to prank everyone!  BUT, we found a "MARK" right away.  One of the JR. Counselors was a prude, and nobody likes a prude, and she was a Busy Body, and nobody likes a busybody.  So, we planned.  We gathered "intel", meaning simply we watched habits.

The Jr. Counselors showered late because they didn't have to be in their cabins with lights out as early as the rest of us.  We noticed she only used one bathroom stall.  Awesome!  We snuck into the bathroom late, covered the toilet bowl with Saran Wrap, and covered the seat with Vaseline.  We made it back to the cabin with lights out for cabin checks.  Then, with our fearless cabin counselor, we snuck out to watch our plan in action.  We watched the Jr. Counselors enter the bathroom as we peered around the corner of the side of the bathrooms.  We snuck around to the door and peered in just as we hear.....bear butt hit wet pavement, and a SQUEAL!  Amongst laughter, we RAN FOR OUR LIVES back to the cabin. 

Word spread quickly of our prank through the camp.  Each time we went to the Mess Hall for breakfast, lunch and dinner, when the Jr. Counselors would enter the hall, they were greeted with a rousing chorus of "Slip Slidin' Away".  It was seriously, the best prank ever!  And, to this day, if I hear "slip sliding away", I laugh and remember Summer Camp!

Think your job is safe? Tweet again.....

So lately there have been all sorts of news stories of people either losing their job for a "social networking" post, OR not being hired for a potential employment opportunity because of a previous "social networking" post.  For example, a waiter was fired after tweeting that a cheap ass celebrity (that's right folks someone making WAY more money than you and me) left without leaving a tip.  Turns out she left without paying her bill at all, and then after reading the tweet sent her publicist to pay the bill the next day.  You can click the link to read the story.  Apparently she went back and slapped a tip down on the table before the guy got canned, but ultimately he was dismissed for expressing himself to his "peeps" via his "tweets".

Why exactly is it, that in today's web 2.0 environment, where we communicate with our friends and family, whether those friends are virtual or real(not to imply my virtual buddies are not "real" friends, because they are), via social networking forums, or via text, can we not say that we hate our jobs, or are bored to tears, or that so and so is a moron, when in fact they are a moron?  What is the difference in this guy posting his "tweet" or calling a friend who also relays the conversation to his sister, who tells her BFF, who is a third cousin of a guy who works as a pizza delivery driver, who delivers pizza three times a week to an editor, who writes for People magazine, who sites him as an anonymous source and publishes the story, and millions read it that way?

I am just going to put this out there.  I am not editing myself for the sake of someone who might potentially one day employ me.  I should be able to post what I want, when I want, about what I want, as long as I do it on my time.  I understand that employers feel they should fire people for tweeting or posting FB statuses that are during business hours and on "company time".  But, if I am on my freakin' lunch break, or happy hour, or at night letting off steam, saying what I would have to have had 16 phone conversations to get off my chest, and being resourceful by posting it as my status, therefor saving myself precious time, because my time is just as valuable to me as yours, then you should totally think that I am a multi-tasking machine who utilizes technology to take 16, 15 minute tasks, and shortened them to 140 effin characters that took, at most 30 seconds to type, thereby making me a freaking genius.  Which BTW-afforded me the the time to slack off at work.  Seriously, anyone who can shorten 4 hours worth of phone work into a 30 second status post is nothing to be slighted.  Imagine the power I can summon with unlimited characters and a BLOG baby!

My mantra is, and has always been, and always will be, "What you see is what you get.  If you like me great, if you don't, I don't give a damn!"  It won't change because I FB, or tweet, or blog, or get old, or get famous when I get published.

Think the black and orange need 30 days for wear....

It's October, and I love Halloween.  So do my children.  I usually buy the boys a new Halloween t-shirt when they first hit the stores, but make them wait to wear them until October 1st.   I know it's kind of cruel, like telling someone you have a secret, and then not sharing.  But hey, if you can't torture your children, why have them?  I'm kidding.  Well, sort of, but I have to get my digs in when I can.

Tip:  Both Target and Wal-Mart(giving Wally World props today since I was hatin' on them or their patrons yesterday) usually have holiday shirts for about $4.  You have to shop for them early in the season though or they are all picked over and all the "cool" ones are gone.

So my husband comes home from work today and sees both my boys wearing their shirts and was like "It's not Halloween."  Duh!  Really honey?  We do this EVERY year, where've you been?  We will wear "COOL" holiday shirts all month!  It's like the funnest holiday EVER!  Especially for the boys.  What could be better than black, orange, ghouls, skeletons, guts and gruesomeness, trading sisters for candy, spiders, eyeballs(not in their sockets)etc....?  We have amassed quite a selection of shirts.

This weekend we will be decorating the house.   Yippee!  I really do love Halloween.

Tomorrow, I start the first of my holiday season (Oct-Jan) baking.  Pumpkin Bread!  Seriously, pumpkin bread is on the list of 20 things I could live on for life.  If you want the recipe, post a comment telling me you want it and I will send it to you.  (Ancient Chinese secret, kidding, but it is my recipe so for my faithful followers only!)

Think Monday is not for Happy Shiny People

I woke this morning, like any other.  I woke the boys, got them off to school.  There was a whirlwind through the house, like always.  There is typically a bit more angst on Monday mornings than other days of the week, simply because short term memory with ADD children and moms is worsened when you consider there were two whole days where we didn't care about backpacks and the like.

This didn't bother me.  I was for all intensive purposes in a fairly chipper mood for a Monday.  My FB post was even nauseating for a Monday morning. (Good morning!  Good Morning!  It's time to say Good Morning!)  See, sick, I know.  I had several errands to run today.  I got dressed, even did my makeup.  See good mood.  I got the stuff I had to drop off at the post office, I didn't forget my list of things I needed at the store, I was uncharacteristically really "together" when I left the house.  The sun was shining and I was off to conquer the day.

I get to the post office and I can't find any stamps in my purse.  I am digging and digging while sitting in neutral in front of the little blue box.  Then someone pulled in behind me, and honked, so I pulled into a parking spot and went inside.  He gave me a dirty look and and nice one finger wave, but whatever, I was not going to let one A**hole ruin my said togetherness.  I mailed the letter, life was good.

So the hubby had given me a list of necessities he needed, like razors, deodorant, soap, etc.  I debated, but I gave in.  I was going to just go to Publix and pay a little more, because that's what I am used to doing, but, given that I am still not working, I bit the bullet and headed to Wal-Mart.

When I got there I thought, hey, this is great.  Not too crowded, not too many crazies, I can do this.  I got all the things on the hubby's list and then it happened.  I heard what sounded like a screeching owl.   Every few seconds.  What the hell is that I said to myself?  And then it occurred to me.  I said, "Self that is a child!"  OMG!  Somebody shut that off!  Every few seconds.  Every corner of the store I went to.  "Screech!"  "Squawk!" " Screech!"  I started shopping faster.  I needed some groceries but if I had to listen to that much longer, I was going to crack.  I was in the spice/baking aisle huffing and puffing trying to keep both my sanity and composure.  This lady looked at me with furrowed brow, "You looking for something in particular?"  I look at her like she is possibly from another planet and say, "Do you not hear that?"  She looks at me and says, "I know, that poor Mom."  I turned around and ran before I took my frustration out on that woman.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS LADY?  THAT POOR MOM?  I don't know about you, but my children have NEVER done that in public, AND if they got anywhere near close to showing their butts in public like THAT, they would RUE the day.  POOR LADY?  WTF?  I have never seen or heard a fit like that before, and I am telling you, it wasn't a mild fit that lasted minutes because the behavior was corrected, oh NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!  It went on, and on, and ON, and ON, and ON!

I forgot the freakin' milk in my rush to get the hell out of there.  AND then when I got out the door, all my pretty happy Monday sunshine was GONE. G-O-N-E, gone!  It was raining.  I got soaked.  My hair curled up all over my head.  So much for all that blow drying.  Make up was running.  Wasted that 15 minutes.

So, that's what  I get for trying to trump and overcome the typical Monday doldrums.  It came, and it went.

Happy F$%(^ing Monday!