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Think I am a little raw...

Friday, August 21, 2009

I have had a rough last ten days. I have, in the course of the last two weeks, had major changes. I got laid off. Great, one more thing to add to the plate of my life. Fabulous. As if four children, their futures, a husband and my four dogs weren't enough, now I am unemployed too. Not that that diminishes my worth, I know logically it doesn't. However, it feels like I have failed in some capacity. If I think about it, I know that feeling that way is ridiculous. I have not failed, I am still a great mother, great wife, and a smart and talented sales executive. However, the overwhelming need to be an overachiever is there, every minute of every day. Damn, this whole Type A personality thing is a drag.

My customers have called to let me know that they miss me, that the attempts to keep their business is futile at best. Does that make me feel better? No. My husband reassures me that I am still perfect in his eyes. Does that make me feel better? No. My children still look at me with the same adoring faces. Does that make me feel like less of a failure? Not really.

I have this drive, this insatiable need to do better. To be better. Where the hell does it come from? It isn't enough to just be who I am. I want to be all that I can be, which certainly is not to say I want to be in the ARMY. But on the other hand, am I willing to get up and do what is required? Not right now. I am in a funk. But, I know I can't stay here. I have children. I have a husband. My dogs need me. Damn! Why can't I just take some time off to mourn? Why can't I curl up in a ball, for a day or two, or twelve and be depressed that I lost my job? A job I loved. One I was good at. A job that loved me, as much as I loved it?

Oh, I know why I cannot take time off. If I show even the slightest hint that things are not perfect, things go south in a big hurry. My husband, the eternal pessimist will have one of those "the sky is falling" moments. His moments seem to last forever. My kids might think the world as we know it, is coming to an end. But my dogs, they will be just fine. Got to love them. They love me no matter what. They will crawl up with me on the couch and lay with me, and love me.

So I am having one of those life moments, where you reassess. Is this what I want to do? Is this what I want to be? Is this where I see myself in ten years? Perhaps I should've been this introspective years ago. But, I wasn't. I have always been a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. Roll with the punches. Take it in stride. You name the get the drift. I am not a planner, just an over achiever. Anyone else sensing my problem? Crap! What do I do now?

I have assessed. I have found the problem. It is my lack of planning. Great. I can fix it. Wait! That means I have to change the fiber of my being. I am flexible, I am fun, I am ready for the world. I am NOT.

I need to sleep on this. Perhaps tomorrow will bring some clarity. For tonight, since the kids, the hubby and the dogs are sleeping...I will allow myself this one deep and guilty pleasure. I will be depressed. Even if just for a moment, by myself....I will....allow myself to grieve the loss.

Tomorrow is another day. One with hope for something new. One with hope for a renewed sense of purpose. Perhaps even one where I decide to allow myself to believe that I can write the book that everyone keeps waiting for.

1 comment:

Mandi said...

Oh I did the whole 1 night depressed thng myself the other night. Aaron was at work and the babies were in bed and I said "ok heavenly Father I have a enough." Then i woke up the same old MAndia and decided to do what I always do which is fight! So I hope you enjoyed you enjoyed the night, If anyone can make a stinky situatation into a good one. You can!