Think "Anti-SAHM"

Alrighty, here we go.  You ready?  This is gonna be one of those posts that will insight riots.  Can't you tell just by the title?  Some have said of me in the past, in reference to my inability to hold back, that I possibly have diarrhea of the mouth.  Yes, that's right!  Can you believe the gall of some people?

Anyway, I have been in the closet for some time now.  Living with shame.  But, today I have found a bit of moxie and I think that I can find my voice and share with others.  I am stepping out and say it loud and proud!
I don't like children.  I don't.  Well, actually I don't like other people's children.  AND, I don't like being a stay at home mom.  I would rather go to work.  Spend my day amongst the adults.  Have meaningful conversations about politics, and the economy, and deadlines and work.

God that was liberating!  I feel GREAT!

So, I should say, I love my children.  I do!  It's a love that only another mother could fathom.  It's unexplainable, there are no words.  None that can capture what a joy and rapture a mom feels when she looks at her children.  Having said that, I do not have the mommy gene that makes me jump for joy when my babies did their first doodies.  The only cool thing about POOP is that it is a palindrome and backwards or forwards it is the same.  Also, I am elated at the end of an evening when it's bedtime and they go to sleep.  I have been known to respond when people tell me that my children are "so cute", with "yeah, when their sleeping!"

Anti-SAHM, let me go further with this and explain.  I think Mommy groups are for the socially inept.   Why do you need a community of others to ask common sense questions like, what is an appropriate bedtime for children?  Weren't you a child once?  Didn't you have a freakin' bedtime?  Did you suffer severe head trauma as a small child and forget what time you were told was appropriate?  Or, why is it necessary to consult with other new moms about what your child should be doing at each monthly stage.  All children are different and they progress at their own pace.  You take your child to the pediatrician to make sure they are reaching the milestones they are supposed to, they are called well baby checkups.  Duh!  Do you not trust the doctor who went to medical school, who paid all that good money to get educated?  Surely he is a better source to consult than the 30 something year old lady who thinks your child is behind because hers started walking at 8 months and yours didn't until he was 10 months. 

My mom never joined one of these groups.  She didn't set up "play dates" for us.  We went outside and played with the neighbors.  If you don't live in a neighborhood where you feel comfortable letting your children play with the neighbors, and you have to ship in children from a Mommy group, perhaps YOU have issues.  I mean really, WTF?  Perhaps you should move to another neighborhood where the class of people is better suited for your snobbery.

Don't misunderstand me, I do not have any problems with stay at home moms who love their job.  I think it's fabulous that there are women that are living their dream of being a wife, and mother and homemaker.  I respect those women who Homeschool their kids to protect them from the woes of the world.  That allow their children to be shielded from the tragedy that is the world we live in.  I would never mock THEM.

I however, have no use for the likes of my "step-wife".  That's right, the moniker my ex-husband's wife has dubbed me with.  Can I just say?  CRAZY!  She has a blog where she and her other mommy group followers talk about their husbands, how they have sex when they don't want to to make sure they(the hubs) don't go elsewhere), confess things like they spy on others on Facebook, and the list goes on.  It's like a grown up Romper Room version of highschool.  Catty!  If they are the stereotypical SAHMs and Mommy Groups....I am The Anti-ChristSAHM.  (NOTE:  I am not the one she is calling friend, that would be the third wife.  I was the first wife.  The one with the blog...NUMBER FOUR)

I want to say this before all of you start firing off nasty-grams I LOVE MY CHILDREN, and I LOVE MY HUSBAND, and I am thankful for the ability to stay home and not lose our possessions. I am one of the most blessed people I know.  I am RICH beyond compare in the fact that I have Prince Charming for a husband and a gaggle of brilliant, funny, beautiful, and HAPPY WELL ADJUSTED children.

Anyshizzle, sorry for the rant today.  I just had to share!  As always, I leave you with Love!

That is all!

Walk on the Wild Side Wednesday: Rumpus Installment Numero Uno

New tradition here at my place...cause it's my place and I can do what I want.  Walk on the Wild Side Wednesdays.  I think that everyone needs to Feed their Wild Side.  You know what I am talking about, that little creature that we all have.  The whimsical inner beast, villain, rapscallion, devil, evildoer, ruffian, miscreant, monster, varlet, harlot, scamp, scoundrel, transgressor, coquette, siren, temptress, pimp, wench.  You can pick your name, and name your beast, but we all have one.  I say whimsical because there is always a bit of the illogical, the quixotic, the impulsiveness to our untamed wild hearts.

Alrighty then, let your hair down, kick your boots off, or don't, if want to don those high heeled platform, thigh high stripper boots, by all means, zip those bitches up!  Unleash your inner freak id, box up that Superego for a bit, and let's throw caution to the wind and allow the pleasure sensors just a bit of tickling!

Everybody in?  Good, you bunch of heathens!

Walk on the Wild Side Installment Numero Uno

My husband and I have the best relationship I could ever ask for, and we love each other, and only each other.   That being said, I am probably more open to "trying shit out" than many of my friends and peers. 

Case in Point:  Our First Wedding Anniversary 

I planned a very nice dinner.  All quiet, romantic.  We went to dinner at the restaurant we went to on our honeymoon.  It was sweet, special, all the things that the wifey poo is usually so fond of on an anniversary date.   We canoodled all through dinner, loving glances, swooning, the hubs bought me an anniversary ring to match my engagement ring and wedding band, princess cut, three stones(I loved you yesterday, I love you today, I will love you tomorrow) symbolizing past, present and future.  It was lovely.

***ENTER MY VIXEN ALTER EGO STAGE LEFT***

We got in the car and I took the hubby to our next destination.  It was a secret.  I had anticipation all night, all through dinner, I was so excited, I was going to be the coolest wife in the history of the world!  I took my husband to a STRIP Club.  That's right, we went to a Gentlemen's Club, actually, we went to a couple.  We had the best time.  I am not uncomfortable with sexuality, not mine and certainly not others.  I enjoyed watching the hubby get all excited when the strippers came to our table and made goo-goo eyes at me.  I know that is male fantasy: El Classico  We played it up for him.  It worked!  Yeah!  Go me!

We ended the night alone, together, having hot, dirty, hot, dirty, hot, hot, sex!

So, the moral of the story here folks, is the secret to a happy marriage is hot dirty sex.  I kid, I kid.  Sort of.  Seriously, we keep the fires burning.  We make sure to feed each others inner beast.  Fantasies, role playing, whatever is your poison.  In order to have a healthy anything, it needs nourishment!

So from now on, when you come by on Wednesday, it's skinny dipping in the tank with me!  Sustenance for Your Mistress or Vixen aka Lady Love.

Keep it saucy!  If it ain't got spice, don't leave it here.

That is all for now my sweets, leave me some love!

Think BACON, loads and loads of BACON, or Roasted Pig

O.k....my faithful bunch of bloggy stalkers.  Most of you already follow my buddy Travis over at I Like to Fish but for those of you who don't, go check him out today.  We had a bonfire, we roasted a pig, and we had some fun in honor of Travis' 100th Blog Post.

My HERO in blogland with the grown-up blog, that has a real following, not like my poor pathetic excuse for a following(not that I don't love you all, I do, I'm just saying, she is REALLY popular, where I just pretend to be popular and try to fit in, and if you don't believe me just read all the comments Ed left about me) Cheesecake over at Mad Boastings of a Cheapskate Mom even made a special button for the occasion and everything.  She is so cool.... *swoon* I think I have a girl crush on her!  Shh.....it's our little secret.

 

I wrote a poem for the Roast, that was pretty darn creative, if I do say so myself.  But, of course, I was upstaged by Ed, and all the other "cool" kids.

Notice:  If you are dull, boring, vapid, and simply lack a sense of humor do not visit the aforementioned Roast.  If you are faint of heart, a prude, dislike four letter words, or are in any way shape or form offended easily perhaps you should not visit Travis either.  Actually, if any of those last several things describe you, why exactly do you follow me?

I am easily persuaded to write poetry for others.  All Travis had to do was ask, however, there was a promise of awards, and what can I say, I will do anything to fit in with the cool kids with the awesome blogs.  Check out my Awesome Award of Awesomeness!

 

Thanks TRAVIS!  Love!

Anyshakes, make sure if you didn't already check out my Memoir Monday post you do and leave some love.  I need it after all the mean stuff Ed said about me today.  I mean Travis asked, but all I did was agree to participate.  He(Travis) has thick skin, me, I have fragile girlie-girl sensibilities.  I have feelings.  I can't take it.  *pout* *stomp foot* *sniff* *tears* *huff* *puff* *more tears*

(Rolling on floor laughing that you were actually buying that  load of steaming horse shit) 

That is all!

Memoir Monday: Dog Days of Summer

There is this great local website that we have here in the Jacksonville, FL area that I visit on a regular basis for upcoming events for the kiddos.  Jax4kids.com lists free and pay events from Public libraries, special engagements, to whatever.  They also have scouted out where kids eat free every day of the week, by surrounding areas, since Jacksonville is SO spread out, and a commuter area for several cities in the greater area.

I was searching the site today for a pumpkin patch, a real one, not the come-to-our-church-patch-and-overpay-pumpkin-patch, and found no place to go for pumpkins, BUT, found something else.  So, in typical, fly by the seat of my pants, and plan nothing but go somewhere cool with the kids fashion, I made plans at 2:45pm to do something at 4:00pm on the other side of town.  My husband is such a good sport!  Today is launch day for Diary of a Wimpy Kid 4: Dog Days.  Our favorite place Barnes & Noble had a launch party, and we went as soon as the boys got home.  It was a major hit.  There was a letter from Jeff Kinney, read aloud to all the children.  They had a drawing for a couple of t-shirts, and the poster from the window(which was seriously cool).  The boys didn't win but they were thrilled with the games and the Release Party!  They got free temporary tatoos, book marks and we purchased the book!  We finished off the night with Five Guys Burgers for dinner(everyone's fav)!

So my buddy Travis over at I like to Fish has instituted a new Memoir Monday tradition, so I am gonna give it a shot.

Since I made you sit through my impromptu family excursion to B&N to acquire the latest installment of DoWK, Dog Days of Summer, I thought I would give you a Dog Days of Summer Memoir.

When I was a teenager we used to go to Girls Camp as a part of our young women's group at church.  Girls from 12-16 would spend a week at camp, we learned first aide, swimming, had nightly gatherings, sang songs, did crafts, and enjoyed fellowship with each other.  It was always HOT, and I mean REALLY HOT.  Florida is not the place to camp if there is no air conditioning, but somehow we always survived the week.  

As with most camps, there were always a lot of pranks.  And girls can be quite "catty".  We would always do the typical camp counselor pranks, like toilet paper the leaders cabins.  Sometimes that would include fishing line so they were locked in for a while.  That was always a good one.  But my ALL TIME favorite prank ever, was one that still makes me laugh when I hear a certain song.

So, once you completed your four years of camp you could come back as a Jr. Counselor at 17.  The girls who decided to come back enjoyed it because they got a cool cabin and got to stay out later than the rest of us, and they didn't have a cabin counselor (OLD PERSON) as their leader.  My last year, I had the coolest counselor ever.  She brought all sorts of "supplies" for pranks, and we were going to prank everyone!  BUT, we found a "MARK" right away.  One of the JR. Counselors was a prude, and nobody likes a prude, and she was a Busy Body, and nobody likes a busybody.  So, we planned.  We gathered "intel", meaning simply we watched habits.

The Jr. Counselors showered late because they didn't have to be in their cabins with lights out as early as the rest of us.  We noticed she only used one bathroom stall.  Awesome!  We snuck into the bathroom late, covered the toilet bowl with Saran Wrap, and covered the seat with Vaseline.  We made it back to the cabin with lights out for cabin checks.  Then, with our fearless cabin counselor, we snuck out to watch our plan in action.  We watched the Jr. Counselors enter the bathroom as we peered around the corner of the side of the bathrooms.  We snuck around to the door and peered in just as we hear.....bear butt hit wet pavement, and a SQUEAL!  Amongst laughter, we RAN FOR OUR LIVES back to the cabin. 

Word spread quickly of our prank through the camp.  Each time we went to the Mess Hall for breakfast, lunch and dinner, when the Jr. Counselors would enter the hall, they were greeted with a rousing chorus of "Slip Slidin' Away".  It was seriously, the best prank ever!  And, to this day, if I hear "slip sliding away", I laugh and remember Summer Camp!

Think your job is safe? Tweet again.....

So lately there have been all sorts of news stories of people either losing their job for a "social networking" post, OR not being hired for a potential employment opportunity because of a previous "social networking" post.  For example, a waiter was fired after tweeting that a cheap ass celebrity (that's right folks someone making WAY more money than you and me) left without leaving a tip.  Turns out she left without paying her bill at all, and then after reading the tweet sent her publicist to pay the bill the next day.  You can click the link to read the story.  Apparently she went back and slapped a tip down on the table before the guy got canned, but ultimately he was dismissed for expressing himself to his "peeps" via his "tweets".

Why exactly is it, that in today's web 2.0 environment, where we communicate with our friends and family, whether those friends are virtual or real(not to imply my virtual buddies are not "real" friends, because they are), via social networking forums, or via text, can we not say that we hate our jobs, or are bored to tears, or that so and so is a moron, when in fact they are a moron?  What is the difference in this guy posting his "tweet" or calling a friend who also relays the conversation to his sister, who tells her BFF, who is a third cousin of a guy who works as a pizza delivery driver, who delivers pizza three times a week to an editor, who writes for People magazine, who sites him as an anonymous source and publishes the story, and millions read it that way?

I am just going to put this out there.  I am not editing myself for the sake of someone who might potentially one day employ me.  I should be able to post what I want, when I want, about what I want, as long as I do it on my time.  I understand that employers feel they should fire people for tweeting or posting FB statuses that are during business hours and on "company time".  But, if I am on my freakin' lunch break, or happy hour, or at night letting off steam, saying what I would have to have had 16 phone conversations to get off my chest, and being resourceful by posting it as my status, therefor saving myself precious time, because my time is just as valuable to me as yours, then you should totally think that I am a multi-tasking machine who utilizes technology to take 16, 15 minute tasks, and shortened them to 140 effin characters that took, at most 30 seconds to type, thereby making me a freaking genius.  Which BTW-afforded me the the time to slack off at work.  Seriously, anyone who can shorten 4 hours worth of phone work into a 30 second status post is nothing to be slighted.  Imagine the power I can summon with unlimited characters and a BLOG baby!

My mantra is, and has always been, and always will be, "What you see is what you get.  If you like me great, if you don't, I don't give a damn!"  It won't change because I FB, or tweet, or blog, or get old, or get famous when I get published.

Think the black and orange need 30 days for wear....

It's October, and I love Halloween.  So do my children.  I usually buy the boys a new Halloween t-shirt when they first hit the stores, but make them wait to wear them until October 1st.   I know it's kind of cruel, like telling someone you have a secret, and then not sharing.  But hey, if you can't torture your children, why have them?  I'm kidding.  Well, sort of, but I have to get my digs in when I can.

Tip:  Both Target and Wal-Mart(giving Wally World props today since I was hatin' on them or their patrons yesterday) usually have holiday shirts for about $4.  You have to shop for them early in the season though or they are all picked over and all the "cool" ones are gone.

So my husband comes home from work today and sees both my boys wearing their shirts and was like "It's not Halloween."  Duh!  Really honey?  We do this EVERY year, where've you been?  We will wear "COOL" holiday shirts all month!  It's like the funnest holiday EVER!  Especially for the boys.  What could be better than black, orange, ghouls, skeletons, guts and gruesomeness, trading sisters for candy, spiders, eyeballs(not in their sockets)etc....?  We have amassed quite a selection of shirts.

This weekend we will be decorating the house.   Yippee!  I really do love Halloween.

Tomorrow, I start the first of my holiday season (Oct-Jan) baking.  Pumpkin Bread!  Seriously, pumpkin bread is on the list of 20 things I could live on for life.  If you want the recipe, post a comment telling me you want it and I will send it to you.  (Ancient Chinese secret, kidding, but it is my recipe so for my faithful followers only!)

Think Monday is not for Happy Shiny People

I woke this morning, like any other.  I woke the boys, got them off to school.  There was a whirlwind through the house, like always.  There is typically a bit more angst on Monday mornings than other days of the week, simply because short term memory with ADD children and moms is worsened when you consider there were two whole days where we didn't care about backpacks and the like.

This didn't bother me.  I was for all intensive purposes in a fairly chipper mood for a Monday.  My FB post was even nauseating for a Monday morning. (Good morning!  Good Morning!  It's time to say Good Morning!)  See, sick, I know.  I had several errands to run today.  I got dressed, even did my makeup.  See good mood.  I got the stuff I had to drop off at the post office, I didn't forget my list of things I needed at the store, I was uncharacteristically really "together" when I left the house.  The sun was shining and I was off to conquer the day.

I get to the post office and I can't find any stamps in my purse.  I am digging and digging while sitting in neutral in front of the little blue box.  Then someone pulled in behind me, and honked, so I pulled into a parking spot and went inside.  He gave me a dirty look and and nice one finger wave, but whatever, I was not going to let one A**hole ruin my said togetherness.  I mailed the letter, life was good.

So the hubby had given me a list of necessities he needed, like razors, deodorant, soap, etc.  I debated, but I gave in.  I was going to just go to Publix and pay a little more, because that's what I am used to doing, but, given that I am still not working, I bit the bullet and headed to Wal-Mart.

When I got there I thought, hey, this is great.  Not too crowded, not too many crazies, I can do this.  I got all the things on the hubby's list and then it happened.  I heard what sounded like a screeching owl.   Every few seconds.  What the hell is that I said to myself?  And then it occurred to me.  I said, "Self that is a child!"  OMG!  Somebody shut that off!  Every few seconds.  Every corner of the store I went to.  "Screech!"  "Squawk!" " Screech!"  I started shopping faster.  I needed some groceries but if I had to listen to that much longer, I was going to crack.  I was in the spice/baking aisle huffing and puffing trying to keep both my sanity and composure.  This lady looked at me with furrowed brow, "You looking for something in particular?"  I look at her like she is possibly from another planet and say, "Do you not hear that?"  She looks at me and says, "I know, that poor Mom."  I turned around and ran before I took my frustration out on that woman.

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS LADY?  THAT POOR MOM?  I don't know about you, but my children have NEVER done that in public, AND if they got anywhere near close to showing their butts in public like THAT, they would RUE the day.  POOR LADY?  WTF?  I have never seen or heard a fit like that before, and I am telling you, it wasn't a mild fit that lasted minutes because the behavior was corrected, oh NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!  It went on, and on, and ON, and ON, and ON!

I forgot the freakin' milk in my rush to get the hell out of there.  AND then when I got out the door, all my pretty happy Monday sunshine was GONE. G-O-N-E, gone!  It was raining.  I got soaked.  My hair curled up all over my head.  So much for all that blow drying.  Make up was running.  Wasted that 15 minutes.

So, that's what  I get for trying to trump and overcome the typical Monday doldrums.  It came, and it went.

Happy F$%(^ing Monday!