Since it's so close to Christmas break, and I am not sure whether next week will lend itself well to a WTF? post we are going to hand out What. The. Fruitcake? Awards for the Top10 people in the news of 2009. These folks all deserve a fruitcake to the face. That's right. The worst gift ever, that people regift, throw out, keep for next year to give to someone really unlikeable, the cake that ways a ton, just sounds nasty, and would make a perfect brick to the face. (You'll notice there are only 1-8 listed below. #8 and #6 are couples, lending fruitcakes to two people. All total 10. Work with me, it's simple math folks.)
Without further ado....
8.) Jon and Kate Gosselin - You subjected us to countless hours of your drivel. You were headline news for weeks and weeks. You fought it out every other day on the Today Show. You lost your television gig (thank you TLC for that train wreck). We are so glad we are leaving you behind in 2009. Have a fruitcake to the face!
7.) Carrie Prejean - You are a sad pathetic excuse for a beauty queen (Oh wait. You got that title snatched right outta your hands biatch!). In the 80s, there was a commercial with Kelly LeBrock with a tagline "Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful". Every time you open your mouth and spew that poor pitiful me, I was so wrongly disparaged against (ahem!) bullshit, we all want to gag. People hate me because I stood up for what I believe in. No. No. Same as Kelly. Darlin' we don't hate you because you are beautiful. There are so many other reasons why. You, deserve a fruit cake to the face!
6.) Heene's Hoax - This is also known as "The Balloon Boy Hoax". Though the boy was never in a balloon, he was in a box, in the attic, allegedly. Your parents are reality television wannabe stars and they deserve FRUITCAKES to the FACE!
5.) Chris Brown - Beat the shizzle outta Rihanna's face right before an awards show.....Wha????? This guy deserves more than a fruitcake to face! Perhaps a fruitcake shoved where the sun don't shine. There is a special place in hell for men that beat on women!
4.) Joe Jackson - You were promoting your record label a few days after THE KING OF POP died? Really? Not grieving the loss of your child? Hawking your record label? Seriously? You are an asshat. And you deserve a fruitcake to the face.
3.) Secret Service Director - You deserve a fruitcake to the face. The Sahili's. Really? Nobody caught that shit? Seriously, I have seen them, a lot. Not like they were some stealthy nondescript attendees. No! They were limelight whores, and no one thought, who the hell are these people? Really? WTF? FRUITCAKE to the FACE!
2.) Kanya West - Dude! Fruitcake to the Face. 'Nuff said.
and the number one spot goes to.......
1.) El Tigre! Unfortunately, as this story continues to unfold, not even Kanye West can make this guy look good. DAMN! And the hits just keep on coming. It really was a joke when I said 18 'hos. Apparently not. The numbers on this keep rising like sewer water during a FRAT HOUSE PARTY! TIGER, take your fruitcake to the face like a man! SMACK!
There you have it folks. WHAT. THE. FRUITCAKE. 2009.
